A drop in the ocean

Death

Grandma D., Papa, Grandpa D., Grandpa Slater.

4 deaths.

All close to me.

All loving me.

All cared about me.

All taken away from me.

Grandma D.

I remember in 1st grade,

Coming to school in my black and red dress.

A note in hand excusing me from class early.

I remember leaving class,

Sitting in the car,

Unaware of what was happening.

That's all I remember.

Papa

I remember earlier that year,

Him hurting his shin.

Him needing to take medicine

Then he was in pain Christmas day.

In and out of the hospital.

He started to feel better on Christmas day.

He built Legos with my older brother.

He then was in lots of pain that night.

Him being in the hospital.

Us going home.

Us getting a call.

He had Leukemia.

I remember my father leaving right away.

To visit his father in the hospital.

I remember the silent 4 hour drive.

I remember my first silver lining.

I remember visiting my cousins whenever my parents visited the hospital

I remember seeing him for the last time.

Getting the call that he passed away.

Looking at all his stuff, his reading glasses, shoes, water bottle. and making a big pile.

And crying.

I remember missing a few days if school.

My councilor checking up on me in class.

Having a sticker with the last family picture in my desk.

Going to his funeral.

Not wanting to cry.

4 years later, sobbing in youth group.

Missing my grandpa.

I never got to say goodbye.

Grandpa D.

I remember getting the news,

You had a stroke.

Awhile later,

You got worse.

You moved in to an assisted living place.

Then you moved to Grammy and Grandpa's house.

A week before you died.

None of us knew it,

Until right before you died,

You were skinny. too skinny.

I remember sleeping on Elsie's floor.

My mom and dad knew you would pass that night.

And you did.

I didn't know how to react.

The next weekend was your burial.

The week after that, your funeral.

Grammy drew out the grieving process.

No one needed 3 weeks to process your death.

No one except Grammy.

It made your death hurt more.

On the ride home from your funeral,

We got a call.

My other great grandfather has lung cancer.

I never have cried over your death,

I miss you greatly.

My feelings never got a time to grieve.

They kept getting covered with greater losses.

Greater stresses.

For that, I am sorry.

You were overlooked.

Grandpa Slater. 

I remember the car ride home from one funeral, getting a call.

You had lung cancer.

And you couldn't fight it.

You were too old.

Too weak.

you wouldn't make it.

I remember talking to the school councilor.

Filling her in on my situation.

Yet, she never supported me.

No emotional support.

Zip.

A few weeks later, we got a call.

On our drive to Seattle.

For a girl's weekend.

You had passed.

Mimi wanted us to have fun still.

I never made it to your funeral.

No chance to mourn your passing.

I was on my own time to mourn.

And it wasn't your fault.

But I went into a silent depression.

Two deaths.

A little over a month apart.

When I needed support the most,

none came.

When I needed to cry,

I could not.

I needed to be strong for my family.

That's what I told myself.

I need to pretend like death doesn't bother me.

But it did.

I needed to seem like everything was okay.

But it wasn't.