what the heart wants

chapter 11: you are forcing me to remember, when all I want is just to forget

‘I love you’ James said. We were at the beach on a date. When he told me he loved me for the first time. And I remember I thought I could fly. It was such an amazing feeling, to know that he loved me like I loved him. I of course told him immediately after, that I loved him too. However, that wasn’t the case just a few minutes ago. When James told me that, I did the first thing that came to mind. I ran. 

As soon as the words left his mouth, I ran. We were in a reception hall and I ran to my car, forgetting my keys. So I continued running. Not long after, I wound up just walking through town in my maid of honor dress. Then Ron found me, and he took me home, and now here we are. Sitting in my living room drinking beer. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Ron asked. I looked down at the nearly empty beer in my hand. 

“I think I want to forget about him,” I said and I quickly finished my beer. 

“Jim?” Ron asked. I nodded. 

“He broke my heart when we were married. So I left, I left to try and mend what he so easily broke. Two years later I come back here thinking I was over him. And you know what happened? He poked around and proved that my heart was still pretty messed up, and then he finished breaking it. And now....now I just feel empty inside I feel....I feel tired you know? Here I am trying to look all strong for everyone but...but I’m not. I feel so broken and I just....I’m tired,” I said. I quickly wiped a tear and stared at my hands. Suddenly Ron had his arms wrapped around me. I stiffened at first, but then let myself be held. “I just want to feel better,” I mumbled. 

“And you will. From what I can tell, you really did care about Jim. You were married to him. And feelings like that just don’t disappear over night. If 2 years wasn’t enough to completely forget him, maybe 3 will or 4...but time does heal all wounds. And with time this broken feeling will go away and maybe you’ll find someone who truly cares about you.”

“I don’t want to find anyone. I just want to forget him. I just....I want to feel like me again.”

“And you will.” I looked over to Ron.

“You’re really nice, did you know that?” He shrugged. 

“I guess I’ve just been in the same place you have.” I placed my head back on his chest. 

“Were you married?”

“No, but I was engaged.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and I loved that woman.”

“What happened?” Ron’s arms squeezed around me. 

“She was driving to the dinner recital. She had gotten out of work late, and was barely headed over to the recital. And...and some drunk hit her car head on. And of course, for some reason that drunk walked out almost untouched.....Hillary....she was declared dead on the scene.” I looked up at him wide eyed. 

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” I said. Ron looked over to me with a sad smile. 

“Broke my heart. I was 22 then. We had both graduated from college and we were gonna get our life started.”

“You guys were pretty young.”

“Yeah. She had her whole life ahead of her and well....nothing in life is certain, right?”

“I guess so.”

“And sometimes, it hurts a lot to not have her here anymore, I’ve learned to live with it. She’ll always have a piece of me, but I guess....I guess I’m not broken anymore.”