what the heart wants

chapter 6: these wounds don't seem to heal, this pain is just to real.

-title name too long: these wounds don't seem to heal, this pain is just to real. there's just too much that time cannot erase. 

I parked my new jeep in the only available parking spot. I squeezed my coat on tighter. It was winter now, 7 months after the stupid wedding. Memories from those two weeks I was here came up and I felt tears running to my eyes. Not so much the fact that I myself destroyed my relationships with everyone in my family, but because of Rich. Rich was the only person who always defended me and was there for me when no one else was, and now, he was gone. 

Three days ago, I received and email from my mother, telling me Rich had gone to the emergency room complaining of a strong headache and he hadn’t made it.There was one thing a lot of others didn’t know. Rich had cancer. He had the highest stage of cancer, and he had a few tumors in places tumors couldn’t be reached. They gave him medicine to shrink them, but it didn’t do much. Rich was happy and he knew his time was short, so he was prepared and ready, even though we weren’t.

Now, here I was back to the place I swore never to come back to, and I was here for a funeral. Of course, Rich and I sent emails, and when I was feeling sad and down we’d talked on the phone. In fact we had talked the day before he passed, and I had just sent him an email thanking him again for everything he’d been doing for me. 

I took in a deep breath and wrapped my arms around me. I wore black skinny jeans, a black v-neck long sleeve, a Calvin Klein long sleeve, belted down puffer coat, and black Zamora rain boots. I walked over to where the crowd was gathered. There was quiet a turn out. It had rained the past week on and off, now the sun was out, but you couldn’t even feel it, it was still freezing cold. I had on a pair of wayfarer sunglasses. My hair was no longer to my waist, but cropped short below my chin. I had on no make up and I was paler than before since it had been snowing over back ‘home’. 

I stood in the back and looked down at the floor. I had missed the ceremony because I had gotten stuck in traffic. I wasn’t able to come right on over since I had a few loose ends to tie up over there. Rich and I had talked about this day a long time ago. We even made notes for me to follow, since we both knew I’d be destroyed. The second to last step was to show up for the last time I’d ever see him, and here I was. I felt a tear slide down my cheek and I wiped it away. I could barely hear what was going up in front. I took in a deep breath. Rich didn’t have much of a family. He’d only gotten married once, and she passed away a long time ago, taking his heart with her. They didn’t have kids, and his nieces and nephews never contacted him. I was all he had, and he was all I had. I bit into my bottom lip so I wouldn’t cry. We both thought it was better to cry alone. 

“Rich only left one request and that was to not go down alone,” I heard the priest up in the front say. I took in a deep breath, just like we planned it. “I am looking for his...uhm designated driver,” the priest said. I smiled at our little joke, I didn’t actually think he was going to put that down. I looked up to the sky.

“You owe me Rich,” I mumble as I walk up towards the casket. “That’s me,” I mumble as I take in a deep breath as my eyes fall on the casket. 

“I’m glad you made it,” the priest whispered over to me. I nodded and took my seat. There was only one chair, and that was for me. I sat down and was barely aware at the fact that everyone was trying to figure out who I was. My throat was dry and my tears were threatening to run out. Not long after Rich was slowly making his way down. But that wasn’t Rich anymore. I took in a deep breath. We’d both decided that we didn’t want that line of people giving me their condolences. I sat down and watched the casket go down. I was still sitting there when there were only a few people left and then the funeral people made me get up so they could take my chair. I sat on the floor as the last few of people walked by looking down into the grave. I took in a deep breath and when I was sure I was alone I began to cry. I cried loud, with my mouth open and tears running down my cheek. My one defender, my companion was gone. There was still something else Rich wanted me to do. I managed to control myself and I made myself get up and walk over to my car.