Facetime

Chapter 18

Niall's head was on my lap and I was running my fingers through his hair while we were watching a movie in his room. I took a deep shaky breath and started talking.

"I hadn't eaten three days before that night because I had to go to my cousin's lake house."

Niall didn't lift his head from my lap but I felt him tense.

"Babe..."

He sat up when he realized what I was talking about and looked at me, wide eyed.

"You don't have to tell me, Tess."

I shook my head, a tear making its way down my face.

"No I don't have to, but I want to. You deserve to know."

He nodded and wrapped his arms around me, preparing himself for my trip down memory lane.

"I remember I was in my bathing suit tanning and my cousin, Isabelle was standing over me so there was a shadow. She said some stupid little remark that honestly didn't hurt but it set me off. I was fed up with everything and she pulled my last straw. I remember throwing on my cover up and grabbing the car keys out of my bag, storming to the car. My mom and Austin would be coming home the next morning so I knew they would grab my bags and honestly I didn't even care. I just knew I had to get out of there. My intention wasn't to kill myself at that point. That was never my intention but being alone in a car for 4 hours with nothing but your thoughts, it gets to you. All the little snide remarks my cousins would say and all the times my mom would yell at me because I didn't have a lot of friends. All the times I sat at home and cried myself to sleep because I felt alone. My dad was never home, neither was Austin and my mom was pretty shitty back then. She'd leave all day and come home really late at night. Working was her way of getting my dad out of her mind. Those memories just came rushing back and I couldn't do anything about them expect cry."

Niall pulled me closer and kissed my forehead, wiping away my tears.

"You know, the saddest moment in your life isn't all the shit that led up to you hating yourself, its sitting there writing your suicide note, nothing but a blank page in front of you. I threw down every emotion onto that paper and set it on my bed before going to the bathroom. I didn't lock the door because I wanted them to find my body. I didn't want them to be looking and then finally realize the bathroom door had been closed the whole time. I wanted them to see the note and turn around, seeing me lying there."

I sobbed harder imagining my brother, or even Niall walking in to see my dead body lying there, covered in blood. When I finally got a hold of myself, I continued.

"I remember looking at myself in the mirror and seeing nothing but a broken girl looking back, one who no one would miss, one who was worth nothing. I thought I was just a waste of space. I grabbed a razor I had found and I put it up to my wrist. I didn't know what to expect. Before that I had never cut myself, ever. I had just starved myself, but that was it. I made a bunch of slices on my wrists but I didn't feel any better, you know? I knew I had to cut deeper."

I sobbed and Niall held me. I felt a tear hit me on the top of my head and looked up at him frowning. I went to wipe his tears away but he moved his face so I couldn't see them anymore and sighed looking down.

"I had the blade pressed to my wrist and as I was going to press it against my wrist and end it all, the radio turned on. Honest to god, I have no idea how that happened. It had never happened ever in my entire life and when I heard the song playing I dropped the blade and just sat there crying for god knows how long. That song was a sign that I had a purpose in life, that people actually loved me. I remember hearing a commotion downstairs but paid no attention to it. There were footsteps running up the stairs and Austin burst in my room. He heard me crying and ran to the bathroom. There was nothing on his face but pure terror, seeing me crying in a puddle of my own blood. He rushed over to me and cleaned up my cuts. As he was cleaning up the blood on the floor I snuck out of the room and hid the suicide note. I didn't want anyone to know I had failed. He slept with me in my bed that night and didn't leave my side for a week after that."

I broke into sobs but felt a weight being lifted off of my chest. I had never told anyone that story, ever.

"My brother told my mom and my mom told my dad. He got rushed home as soon as he could. Isabelle knew but didn't give a shit. It actually made her hate me more because I had scars. She would call me emo any chance she got and would point out my scars to everyone we ever met. Her little remarks didn't get to me anymore though. I knew I was here for a reason. That radio turning on wasn't a coincidence. It was a purpose and I spent every second trying to figure out what it was and now I finally did."

Niall looked down at me with a confused look.

"What's that?"

"You."

"Me? How do you know it's me?"

"That song that was playing, it was little things.  The voice that made me drop that blade, it was yours Niall. You saved my life. You're the reason I'm here. I stalked you guys hardcore after that. I was probably the most dedicated fan but you know I had a reason to be. You weren't just another boy band to me. You were my saviors, my heroes."

He leaned down and brought me into a loving kiss. He picked up my wrists and kissed them, every single scar.

"You're beautiful."

He lay down with me on the bed and I cuddled into his side while he traced shapes into my hip. He started humming and within seconds, I was asleep.