Facetime

Chapter 37

It's been a year since I saw Niall last; a year of pain, a year of hurt. It's been a year of constant depression, a year of never talking once. It was a year filled with silence but also filled with screams; screams inside my head, driving me insane. It was a year of cutting to distract myself from the pain in my heart.

It was a year of a constant battle between my heart and my head. My head was saying, "Kill yourself. He's not coming to save you this time. There's no point in living." While my heart was saying, "Don't give up. He'll come for you and he'll save you from drowning. He'll save you from yourself."

Amy hasn't come around. Brad stopped coming around. He got sick of all the silence. Well at least to him it was silent. In my head all I could hear were my shouts to try and get someone to save me. To catch me before I fall so far down, there would be no hope in climbing back up.

Austin has stayed at college all year. He didn't even come visit me for Christmas.

And what about my mom? Well, let's just say she kicked me out. She didn't straight up say, get the hell out of my house, but that was my only option. She had given me a choice, either I bring back the old Tessa, or the new Tessa has to find another place to stay.

I couldn't bring back the old Tessa because she was gone. She was all the way in London. She left when Niall did and there was no bringing her back.

I had finished school. I graduated, obviously, but I couldn't go to college because I didn't have any money. You could say I'm a bit poor at the moment.

I work all day but all the money I earn goes to paying rent at my apartment and buying food so I don't starve. My future was destroyed. All my plans of studying abroad, getting a flat in London and working somewhere incredible so I could actually thrive, rather than just survive, were long gone. I waved goodbye to them when I made Niall leave.

I'm a mute so it's a bit hard to do my job. I know my boss gets annoyed but she has a kind heart and understands where I'm coming from. She gave me a job where I could get by without talking, and that job was a bus boy, or girl I guess. I would clean up tables after people were done eating.

I had to sell my car to afford my apartment so I just walk everywhere now. I don't usually go very far anyways because I work down the street from my apartment. I made sure it was close because honestly, I was terrified of walking around alone, especially at night.

I lived closer to Detroit now, than I ever have before. I wasn't right by it, but I wasn't a safe distance away from it either. I was so scared I would get jumped on my walk home from work at night. I would practically run home every night.

I can't afford TV or Wi-Fi so I haven't seen or heard anything about Niall. I don't know if he's single still, or if he's moved on. I haven't heard any of One Direction's new music because I have no way to listen to the radio. I think it was better this way. I wouldn't have to hear his voice everywhere or see pictures of him with some girl.

But then at the same time, it was terrible. It was the fact that I didn't know. Not knowing made everything ten times worse. I didn't know if he was happier now than before. I didn't know if he had found someone who wasn't as fucked up as me. I didn't know if I still had a chance. It kept that little flame of hope inside me burning.

I wanted to do nothing more than blow it out. If it wasn't there anymore, if I could just accept the fact Niall and I have broken up for good, I could move on. I could be free of this constant pain in my chest. My heart would stop hurting. My eyes would stop crying. And my wrists would stop bleeding.

I was at work and wanted to do nothing but cry. It was one of those days when nothing was going right. Every time you thought it couldn't get worse, something happened.

I went to put a dirty dish in the tub and I accidently knocked the tub off the table, water and dirty dishes flying everywhere. I kneeled down and tears filled my eyes. I started placing everything back in the tub when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey babe, are you okay?"

My body tensed under his touch and a tear slipped out of my eye and down my face. I knew that voice. I knew that voice so well but I wish I didn't. I looked up at him as another tear escaped my eye and I scrambled up, everything placed back in the tub. However, the water was still covering the floor.

"Tess?"

I shook my head and used one hand to wipe the tears away.

"Don't cry..."

I saw a few more people standing behind him and quickly glanced in their direction. Four boys stood there, frozen. Three girls also accompanied them and I frowned. I recognized Perrie and Eleanor but I didn't know who the third girl was. More tears immediately filled my eyes when I assumed the worst. Niall followed my gaze and immediately frowned shaking his head quickly.

"No, that's Sophia, Liam's girlfriend, not mine."

I didn't say anything I just turned around to put the dishes in the kitchen. I immediately felt ashamed of myself. Here I am, working as a bus boy in a tiny dirty restaurant with messy hair and wrinkly clothes that I've had for two years. I hadn't had any money lately to buy anything new. Then my ex-boyfriend walks in, super famous and successful, perfect in every way. Look at him, and then look at me.

An arm caught mine and I slowly turned around to find Niall's eyes gazing back at mine.

"You look beautiful."

I nodded and looked down, ready to get back to work. He sighed and let go of my hand, running it through his hair.

"Please, don't just walk away from me Tess. Please just say something. I miss you, I miss us."

I shook my head and my boss ran over.

"Oh dear, what happened?"

She smiled at me sympathetically.

"I'll have someone clean this up. You can go ahead and go home. I know you've had a bad day. Your dinner's in the back. Don't worry about paying; it's on the house tonight."

I nodded and smiled at her, grateful for how much she cared for me. I looked down and sighed well aware that if I had to eat where I worked and I couldn't pay for it, Niall had caught on that something wasn't right.

She walked away and I lifted my arm up waving at her. She waved back and I smiled but it instantly fell when I felt a breeze on my wrist. I dropped my hand to my side immediately and pulled my sleeve down, speed walking to the kitchen to eat my dinner.

Once I was safely inside, I glanced back at Niall, making sure he couldn't see me. He was staring at the ground right where I was standing and wiped his cheek with his sleeve. He looked up at the door I had disappeared in as a tear streamed down his face.

I knew he had seen my cuts but there was nothing he could do about it. He knew he broke me. He knew he broke me bad. And he knew I was too far gone to come back.