Facetime

Chapter 40

I finished writing the rest of my letter to Niall and handed it to him. I quietly walked back inside and kicked off my shoes, climbing into the bed.

I never made one sound as the tears streamed down my face. Writing all that down on paper brought back so many memories, good and bad. It brought back when I got kicked out of my house and how shitty I felt when Niall left me, all the cutting, the silence, everything.

But it also brought back the good times. It brought back the happiness. The feeling I got when Niall commented on my picture. I'll never forget how fast my heart was beating when I was waiting for our first face time call to connect. The first time I hung out with him, I didn't think there was anyone better.

I'll never forget when he brought me to the Teen Choice Awards. I got to hang out with Edward fucking Sheeran and Nick Jonas asked me for my number. Not that it mattered because at the time I had my dream guy sleeping beside me and I couldn't ask for anything more.

But now, now as I lay crying myself to sleep, I wished for nothing more than his arms around me. I wished for nothing more than to go back to the way it used to be.

If we were still together we would no doubt be living in London together. We might be staying in Niall's current flat or we might have even bought a bigger flat. We would have our problems but we would still love each other unconditionally.

I looked out the window at the balcony where Niall sat. My letter was clutched tightly in his hand while he read it intently. He wiped away a tear and my heart broke.

Don't feel bad for me. He shouldn't feel bad for me. This is my fault. I shouldn't have fallen in love with him, but I did. I didn't listen to all the warning signs telling me to run before he hurt me. I was blinded by love and when I could finally see, I lost everything.

But you want to know something? I don't regret any of it. Because even though Niall ruined my life, I still love him. I still love him so much.

A sob raked my chest and I just let it all out. I don't know when, but I eventually fell asleep, dreaming about a life with Niall, where there was no such thing as misery.

I'm not sure when but sometime in the night, I was woken up by a shift in the bed. Someone got into the bed with me and pulled me close to their chest. As soon as the familiar smell of Niall filled my senses, I snuggled into his chest without a second thought.

I felt something wet hit the top of my head and I felt him shaking so I immediately opened my eyes, wanting to know what was happening.

I looked up to be met with tear filled blue eyes. I frowned and brought my hand up, wiping away his tears. I shook my head and he just let another sob escape from his lips. I wrapped my arms around his chest, just letting him wrap his arms around me while he cried.

After a while his sobs quieted down and he brought his hands up, wiping his tears away.

"I r-ruined your life T-Tessa, yet here you are comforting me. Why?"

I didn't say anything. I just looked up at him and brought my hand up, catching a tear with my thumb as it fell from his eye. I went to take my hand away but he placed his on top of mine, so I couldn't move it away.

I went to pull it away, but he whimpered and added more pressure, holding me there. I looked down before looking back up into his piercing blue eyes.

"Can I do something?"

I broke eye contact with him, which finally gave him the hint to let me pull my hand back down. My hand felt cold without the contact of his on top of it but I didn't care. What did he mean can he do something? Was he going to kiss me? I felt him shake his head, almost as if he had read my mind.

"I'm not going to kiss you, Tess. I just really need to do this."

I slowly nodded, still uncertain about it all since I didn't exactly know what he was going to do. He gently reached down and grabbed my hand gently in his. I looked down at it and frowned, wondering what he was going to do. He pulled it up towards him and rolled my sleeve up gently.

I realized what he was going to do. He was going to look at my cuts and strangely, I didn't mind. I didn't mind one bit.

He gently set my arm back down and sat up, leaning against the headboard of the bed. He pulled me up with him so I was leaning against his chest sideways with my legs stretched over his. He then slowly grabbed my wrist gently again, holding it out towards him. He took a deep breath and gently traced his finger over them. I winced when he brushed against my fresh cuts and he noticed, instantly coming to a halt in the movement and pulling his hands back, looking up at me with tears in his eyes.

"This is all my fault Tessa. Promise me right now you'll never self-inflict pain upon yourself."

I shook my head and frowned, pulling my arm out of his grip and rolling my sleeves back down.

"Please Tessa, please."

More tears slipped down his face and I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see them anymore. I pulled myself off his lap and got out of the bed, making my way to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and slid down it, pulling my knees up to my chest.

Tears streamed down my face and sobs slipped through my cracked lips. I grabbed at my chest where my heart was. The pain had returned but now it seemed worse than before, if that was even possible. He was so close but so far away at the same time.

I heard a knock on the door, causing the pain to increase. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't take all the silence. I had thought I reached my breaking point long ago when really, I was reaching it right now and I didn't know what to do about it.

I quickly reached up opening the door before going back to my previous position. Niall stood in the doorway staring down at me, before slowly shuffling over to my sobbing mess on the floor.

"Tessa?"

I didn't know what came over me but I needed to make the pain in my heart stop and I didn't know how.

"It h-hurts N-Ni-iall! It hurts s-so much! Make it s-stop. P-please. Please m-make the p-pain stop!"

He looked at me shocked I spoke before pulling me onto his lap.

"What hurts babe, tell me what hurts."

I gripped my chest and cried, burrowing my head into his chest, sobbing.

"My h-heart..."

He lifted my face by my chin and wiped one of the many tears away with his thumb. He stared right into my eyes before slowly leaning in. He hesitated a bit and hovered right about my lips but after a second, I felt his lips on mine. And you know what shocked me the most? The pain stopped.