No words that describe the way I feel...
Cahms came in today, they did an assembly about mental and emotional help. It shook me, my walls were torn for a moment before I forced them back up, it made me physically sick and I couldn't stop shaking. He was there and it made me shiver for a hole different reason but it made my heart burn and scream. I want to ask for help, maybe camhs has the right people but it's hard when everyone is so unaware of my feelings and problems. I find it hard to sleep at night, thoughts just keep me awake, I know it's not healthy but I'm alone there's not much I can do.
I think, I might be suffering from insomnia and an eating disorder. Now I never thought I would say that I love food, but it's like my stomach just can't handle it. If I eat (I only eat two meals a day, breakfast and dinner) it has to be small or it won't stay in my stomach, if it's too big I get bloated and feel sick, I won't eat the next day. Sometimes the very thought of food makes me ill! As for my Insomnia, I'm too cold to sleep and it's not the type of cold you can cure with a blanket. It's a cold set inside, which seeps out until I'm shivering. I can't tell whether it's loneliness or fear. Fear of what I don't know... That's it for now.
Someone help me, I want to do it so badly, it's like a persisting itch. I can't take stress and this house is cursed with it. I want to help my friends I do and it was thrown back in my face . I'm so angry at her, I miss my mum... I can't even cry and I have a longing, even if it is just to hold him or for him to hold me. It hurts so much, I am alone and I can't take it. It makes me sick. I need to get out, away from everything and everyone. Before it's too late...
It's sad, isn't it when you have to live off of fantasies, just to fend of the depressing fact of reality. All I want is for my day dreams to become true. If people wonder why I'm distracted, it's because my head is full of wishful scenarios. I say their to keep away the depressing fact of reality but to be constantly reminded of what you want and never will have, it's harder than you can imagine. The itch is back , I don't know how much longer I can keep it in but I know I can't let anyone find out. I'm not attention seeking, I'm not. I won't tell, it's why I am writing this after all, to get it out of my head but safe from the prying eyes of people around me...
Why do I need you to hate me, when I hate myself...
It's always my fault, I'm not good enough am I, I can't take it anymore. Let me leave, please let me leave.
How do I say it? Something a year ago would be impossible but more than possible now. I believe I've developed what people would call a eating disorder. Personally, I just don't see the point if I'm not hungry, I no longer enjoy food. Well, apart from cereal and the odd snack as it's all I can stomach, without feeling sick!!
I did it again, I was angry, so so angry. Is it right to still feel lonely, even with friends that care? I do not know, all I know is there's a pain and it won't go. An itch, that won't stop itching..
How many times now, I loose count. I'm fucked up, now I know for sure. Screw eating, I don't need to. I've had enough of trying to be someone I'm not. I want to laugh it's always there, that bits not a lie but it's not the right laughter..I can't control it. I've come to find normal life simply doesn't suit me, to work to live. It all seems rather pointless when both lifestyle of the people who work and the people who don't always end the same, dead. No excitement, no thrill.. I'm tired of it all.
I've snapped, I can't keep letting people do this. If I'm cold and distant, no one will bother me good or bad. I just want to be alone....What is the point in me being here when all I want to do is sleep forever. I bring nothing. Nothing meaningful, I am a no one and I know not everyone is a someone but it still hurts. When I'm dead this will end right. Do I really look like I have no heart?? So people can say what they want and think it won't hurt.. sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...yeah right.
