we don't talk anymore

leaving.

"he's gonna leave."

"i'm sorry, i shouldn't have ever left."

"he's different now."

"he hates me."

"i love you, ty."

all these words and sentences buzz in my head, causing a throbbing pain in my forehead. i wince, hissing at the pain and press my palm against the area where it hurts most.

i take a step behind me, my back hitting the cold wall. i think about josh and how he looked when he walked out of my life, his eyes were dark and refused to look at me. i think about how he looked when he came back, his eyes were soft and glassy, and he only looked at me. his voice wavered and his lower lip trembled just weeks ago, but would he leave again?

what would he want with me? i'm getting too attached to him already, and i always find my doubts about him; if he'll stay, when he'll leave, why he might leave. i'm falling for him, and i don't know if he'll be there to catch me.

|-/

"ty? what are you thinking about?" josh asks, running his fingers through my hair. i look over at him, still in my daze a bit.

"i'm still confused as to why you came back. and i'm scared you're going to leave again." i whisper, looking away from him and burying my face into my hands.

"hey, hey calm down. i'm not going anywhere." he says soothingly. i bite my lip, i want to believe him. but after what my therapist said, i'm not so sure.

"he's gonna leave."

no he can't. i won't let him.

"you're lying." i accuse. i really don't know if he is, but i'm hoping he'll tell me now rather than later. it's silent for a few minutes, which only confirms my suspicion.

"you're right." he says, his voice cracks. "you're right." he says again in between sobs. i look up at him, confused.

"my mom got a new job in wisconsin." he mumbles. "moving next month. only brendon and mark know." he confesses.

"when did you plan on telling me?" i ask.

"i found out a few days ago. i wanted to tell you...but we just started talking again and i-"

"josh." i interrupt. he looks at me, tears running down his face. i wrap my arms around him and hold him close.

"i don't want you to leave, but i can't force you to stay." i mumble.

"i know." he whispers, laying a kiss on my chest. he wraps his arms around my hips loosely and closes his eyes. i fell for him, and he caught me, but i'm letting him slowly fall through my fingertips into someone else's.

as soon as he came back in my life, he's getting ready to leave.

|-/

i've been skipping school with josh just to spend time with him before he goes. there's 25 days until he moves, he's started packing already.

he gave me some clothing and things of his, and i don't plan on losing them.

"when you leave...are we going to try long distance?" i ask. he bites his lip and shrugs. i look down, staring at my hands.

"long distance will hurt both of us. too much."

"getting ready for you to leave is worse."

"i know."

he sits next to me and holds me. i fall into his chest and sob. "please don't leave me again. please."

"i wish i could stay." he whispers, running his fingers through my hair and down my sides.

"i can't believe this." i say in disbelief. after the words leave my mouth, they just hang in the air for a long time. we sit in silence, the only sounds being heard are my sobs and children outside running around and screaming out of joy.

i wish i could be that happy again.

|-/

23 days.

at school it's hard to go throughout the day without thinking about josh and what will happen once he leaves. i know it's harder for him than it is for me, he's leaving his friends, his family, and his home behind. it's all he's ever known. he's leaving me behind.

ashley has been helping a lot. she introduced me to her smoking buddy, matty i think his name is, who just makes my mood worse with his poetic words. pete still makes stupid jokes and that helps too. josh says he's going to come visit a lot in the summer and all throughout college, but his studies always meant a lot to him.

at lunch i sit inbetween josh and brendon. the cold air comes through the old school windows and causes a shiver to run down my spine. josh wraps an arm around me and places a kiss on my temple, causing my face to heat up.

20 days.

josh went to visit family for a week. i text him everyday whenever i get the chance, and he's always quick to respond. i used to loathe josh's presence months ago, but now it's all i want.

12 days.

we have less than 2 weeks. it's christmas vacation, he leaves two days before school starts again. everyone said their goodbyes at school but our close friends are hanging out with us later this week one last time.

i follow him around everywhere he goes, and he's patient with me. i hang onto him like he's all i have left, but that's what it feels like. the one who means the most to me, is leaving me. again.

9 days.

i help him pack everyday. christmas eve is tomorrow and he's staying the night over at my house for the next two days. i ask him everyday to stay, and it's the same answer.

"i'm sorry baby, i can't. i'm not an adult yet. i love you and i'm going to visit you as often as i can." and i say the same thing to him in response,

"okay." but i don't believe him.

6 days.

less than one week. we had a good christmas together, we forgot he was leaving for a few days. we even made plans to go see a movie coming out next month. but he reminded us. jenna and everyone are coming over tomorrow. i'm excited, it's the last time all of us are going to be together for a long time. i'm gonna miss him.

a/n: yikes the fic is almost over    :(