At first glance

It Breaks!

The thing about loving someone, is that yelling at them only feels good while you're doing it. As soon as they're gone, all you want to do is take it all back  - Lauren Barnholdt.

Like most couples, we had our fights and quarrels sometimes. but then that's what makes every relationship stronger. The worst fight we ever had was after his graduation. He had been enlisted for the National Youth Service Corp (NYSC) in one of the wave making banks in Nigeria. His prospects were looking good as the management were thinking of retaining him as a staff after his service year. I was really happy for him, but then he dropped the bomb that caused the fight.

Habibaty!we've been together for more than 2 years now, I'm serving and hopefully will get retained after the year is over. You are in your third year now. He listed all this calmly.

Yes all you said is true, what's up? i asked munching chin-chin.

Don't you think it's high time we made it official?

Made what official? I asked.

Us of course, let's start planning on settling down, I want you in my life forever, I want to wake up next to you everyday.

I know, I want that to but you know school and how I really want to settle after I was done with at least my first degree.

I know how much all this means to you and I promise you will achieve all this, but sometimes we have to make compromises and besides I'm not saying it should be immediately. I just want our parents to be aware of the relationship and then we can proceed from there.

I refuse to make the compromise, I said angrily. Why does it have to be me making the compromise huh! why can't it be you, you've known my views all along why the change of heart? You are just looking for a fight, i said defensively.

You know sometimes,  I can't help but think you are just stringing me along, you are just being selfish you know. I have always supported you unconditionally in all your endeavors while asking for nothing but your love in return. I ask you for this one thing, something halal and you act this way.
I'm sorry to say but I can't help but wonder, do you even love me? or are you just with me because it's convenient.

For the first time in our relationship, he said really hurtful things, at this point I had realized I had approached the issue in a wrong way, but my pride was hurt and refused to accept my mistakes.

what?! so now you are doubting my fidelity and my feelings? Wow, that's really fair, I said sarcastically.

You are really full of it you know? I have never given you a reason to doubt me and here you go sprouting such nonsense. I can't deal with this right now, so let's just drop this and assume it was never discussed.

It did come up and we had this discussion. Now I know were I stand with you, I'm going to give you the space you need. You have my number, when you see reason call me but I just hope it won't be too late for us because Wallah, by Allah i do love you but I won't wait forever.

With that, he hung up.

I held the phone to my ear, too stunned to move. Questions kept running through my mind.

Did he just hang up on me? what had I just done? It was just like something had taken possession of my body. I had done wrong, I probably had pushed away the only man I had ever loved. We could have reached a consensus if we had both calmed down and talked it out.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the tears on my palms resting on my thighs. I quickly wiped my tears and called the one person I always run when things get really complicated.

Mai! I need your advice, bursting into a fresh set of tears.

Auta! mai ya faru? ( baby of the House, what's wrong?) why are you crying? she said sounding agitated. This is Maima, my only sister and confidante, we share lots of secrets and she knows my fears.

I messed up, I messed up real bad! I said still sobbing.

Calm your self this minute and talk to me now! you are scaring me.

Yasir and I had a fight today and i don't even now what came over me, I over reacted and now I don't even know if he can ever forgive the things I said to him.

What happened? Mai ya hada ku? ( what caused this fight?).

I went on to narrate everything that had happened and how we both handled it.

She took a deep breathe and asked, do you love him?

Took a deep breathe before answering in the affirmative. Yes I do love him. It was then I realized how much I had come to love him. The realization didn't help because I couldn't explain why I was scared to take the next step with him.  I was lost in thought and didn't even realize she had spoke until she asked again.

Why then did you reject his proposal?

wallah! I don't know, I guess I'm scared of taking that important step. What if I loose him? What if we realize we can't stand the sight of each other a few years from now? Mai, I have lost more than I can bear in this life time, I don't want to loose him.

We  never know how tomorrow will turn out until we take a chance. Auta, do you prefer losing him because you were too scared to take that first step or taking that step and leaving all in the hands of fate and love? she questioned. If he makes you happy, then take that all important step.

Only Allah knows what the future holds for each of us, but when He sends someone that's special into our lives, we accept and make the best of the time that has been given to us and leave the rest to Him. Why don't you perform Istikhara one this issue and seek Allah's counsel.

Okay! Insha Allah I would do that.

Better do, because I can't begin to explain to Meemee why her Auta has been crying. She joked.

I can just tell her you hit me you know! anyway thanks Mai, you are the best.

That night, I stood in prayer asking Rabbil Samawati's guidance. I stayed long in sujood with tears in my eyes and when I was done, I felt peace and strength I hadn't felt in a long time.

Before my resolve could desert me, I picked up my phone and made that all important call. with my heart pounding in my ears, I held the phone tightly to my ear. I prayed fervently that he picks the call and that I wasn't too late. I was still stuck in my own world when I heard his voice.

Hello! He said sounding cold and not so sleepy.

I went mute and couldn't say anything .

Hello, can you hear me?

I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. I'M SO SORRY!!