At first glance

Loss

Lose has always been a part of my journey, and it has always shown me what is precious in life. So has love for which I can only be grateful--

As I stood outside that hospital door, one thing just kept flashing before my eyes. The first glance I had taken of him standing against that wall with a beautiful smile on his face. I stood there numbly holding the door, scared of opening it to face what was on the other side. When I finally mustered the courage to turn the knob and open it, I came face to face with Umma (His mom) who was about to exit the room with tears running down her cheeks. I stared at her with stark fear in my eyes and with my mouth refusing to form words. The words she uttered at that moment shattered me, I could literally feel my heart breaking in my chest.

Hanan! She said clutching my hands to her bossom, Ki yi hakuri Allah wanda ya fi mu son shi ya dauki abun shi (take heart, God that gave him to us has called him back).

I stood their staring, trying to comprehend what she had just said. in my heart I kept uttering Inna lillahi wa inna illaihi rajiun. I heard a soul piercing scream and didn't even realize it came out of me and then I passed out.

I woke up a day later uttering his name, I kept my eyes tightly shot fervently praying it was all a terrible dream.

I slowly opened my eyes and looked around me, I found myself lying on a hospital bed with a drip attached to my hand.

my mom rushed over to my side, kin tashi, Alhamdullilah ( you are finally awake).

Ummi! were is Yasir, I asked with a hoarse voice. I just had a dream that he was involved in an accident and he was no more? what am I doing in the hospital? I was in denial and didn't want to believe all that had happened was true. I just wanted to believe that I had dreamed up everything.

Please tell me it's all a dream and that he's going to walk into this room anytime now, please, please!! please tell me that I sobbed.

Uwata, my mom called.

I felt my chest give a bang, a final shatter as my mom never calls me that only if and when shes trying to placate me.

Tears were now freely running down my cheeks as I realized it was not a dream, it was true and I was never ever going to see his beautiful face smile at me again. I had lost a great part of myself, my best friend, my heart. I realized I was never going to get another glance and for the second time in my life, I had lost the most important man in my life.

Why did you have to come into my life if you knew you weren't going to stay? why did you teach me to love you even though you weren't going to stay to enjoy that love, I let my guard down for the first time and this happens. I screamed sobbing hysterically in my mother's arms.

Baby, were is your Iman, kulli nafsin zaikatul maut (every soul must taste death). This is how Allah has destined it to happen, we never should challenge his authority. This is Qadr.

I kept sobbing, in her arms and finally muttered Ummi!

Yes baby! she answered stroking my hair.

I want to see him, I said with my head buried in her bossom.

I'm sorry baby but he has been taken to his final resting place.

I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, I never got to see him for the last time, I never got to fulfill his wish of being his. I said all this while breaking into hysterical sobs.

My aunt sitting next to the bed with a sad face ran out to get the doctor as I had started hyperventilating. An array of people in white walked into the room and tried to calm me as i struggled with them. I immediately felt a sting on my arm and could slowing feel my self losing control of my body as the sedative kicked in. I watched as my mother stood helplessly by the head of the bed and I remember my last thought being I wish I could see him one last time.

It's been six months now since we lost him. Basically the only thing I do is get up to pray , cry and lay back on my bed. I had withdrawn into myself. I had stopped picking up calls, stopped attending classes, I had stopped talking to everyone in general. I had become a shell of myself. I always feel bad watching my mom stand by helplessly, not knowing what to do to make it all better. She had held me, cried with me, prayed with me, preached to me and finally scolded me to no avail. it was like she was talking to a lump or a sack of potatoes. one day she came into my room and met me crying.

Uwa! what do you want me to do, I know how you feel you know. I've been there remember, I know you are going through a lot right now but please just make an effort kin ji ko. I don't know what I should do she sobbed.

I just stared at her blankly while she cried . It wasn't like it wasn't hurting me to she this rock of a woman shed tears or how everyone has been walking on eggshells around me, it was just that I had detached my self from it all because that was the only way I felt I could handle the pain. I was merely existing and not living for I felt if i don't feel, then it wouldn't hurt as bad. By this time, I looked like bones poured into a sack of skin. this was when my family sought help from the one person they felt I could relate to.

It was a sunny day, I can't remember the day in particular as I had lost count of days. I was laying in bed as usual staring sightlessly out the window when I heard the voice that made everything come crashing back.

Hannan dear!

It was like a shock passed through me as I swung my head back to confirm who it was. That was when the dam opened, the walls came crashing down and the pain pierced through me like nothing else could.

Standing at my doorway staring at me with pity in her eyes was Umma, My would have been mother in-law.

I immediately rushed off the bed and launched myself into her wide spread arms while sobbing uncontrollably and muttering Umma why did he leave.

She pulled me with her into the room and sat us down on the bed while still holding me. she kept tapping my back and cooing gently as I sobbed. We stayed that way for a long time before she finally spoke after I had somewhat calmed down.

Hannan!

I rose my head from her lap and looked at her.

I want you to open your ears and give me your undivided attention.

I kept staring at her.

Do you understand me ? she asked.

I nodded as I couldn't bring my self to speak.

Hmmmm! Sarah I'm sooo sorry I know this is what you were dreading, but alas some this are just not meant to be.

I seriously cried writing this chapter because I just could feel the pain. I so badly wanted them together but then, If wishes were horses.......please don't shoot me :).

Remember to vote and comment. thank you all sooo very much.

Thamyrah