My Wattpad Blog

Blog 5# Depression

15th of December 2016

*WARNING: I AM SPEAKING SOME REALLY PERSONAL STUFF SO PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL AS I SHARE SOME OF MY STORY TO YOU*

Hey guys

Um today is going to be a very serious subject spoken and I would appreciate it if you guys could be serious about this with me and know that I am not speaking about this out of attention or anything on that line.

I want to talk about Depression.

Most people assume that depression is really just about being sad all the time, and feeling that you have to cut or kill yourself because of your problems. I understand that on one hand that that's exactly what people think and those who don't suffer depression may just have those assumptions. But there is alot more to depression then most people suppose there is, you feel anxious, you start to lose interest in activities you would enjoy and you feel like there is no general purpose in life then what you are already dealing with.

"wow Jessi that's deep, how do you know that?"

I know this because I am someone who lives with diagnosed depression and general anxiety.

I have been through this for now three soon to be four years and it started basically with family issues and increased when the nerves in my body started to malfunction. I live with a chronic disability which is not diagnosed as of yet that prevents me from being mobile, meaning that I live between a walker or a "walking frame" and a wheelchair. Through all of this I have dealt with alot of loses in the last 12 months as such:

I have lost:- my boyfriend

- some (not all) friends

-my health (muscle waste)

-fitness

They are some but not all of the losses I have had this year and I am sure by this point I am sounding like a bitch that is only feeling sorry about herself. I want to make this known that this is something that unless you have dealt with disabilities or sickness that limit everything and I mean EVERYTHING in your life. This has pretty much been some of the roots to my depression and I won't lie I have had more than my fair share of days where I wished I could just grab a gun or down a bottle of pills and just end my pain and I know that there are many others that feel like this, many others who have lost their fight to this, many others who feel weird or dysfunctional or a mutation to society because they can't express how they really feel to others, able to tell their stories and I thought that since for many families Christmas is the hardest time of the year as some if not alot of parents have to celebrate Christmas without their child.

Guys, I am going to be completely honest, some days are going to be the greatest days of your life, and then there are going to be days where it just really sucks, life really sucks and it's not always the case of the world ending. Sometimes you have to take the crap and no matter how hard it is or how much it knocks you down, you have something that no one else may have: Resilience, it makes, changes, shapes you. Resilience is not always about appreciating what you have but it's also about how much strength and courage you have as a person, not just because you have the strength to keep going on with life, but also the courage to tell others that you are not okay, you are not fine. I know it's hard to talk about this to someone because it feels like you are talking to a brick wall, someone who may not understand what path of life you walk on, they haven't spent a day in your shoes.

I get how self-harm feels right, it's one of the only ways you have get the pain out from the empty and numb emotions that bottle up within you, I know what it feels like to pick up a blade and do that to yourself, I have done it myself and I am not proud of it, but I am proud of how I was able to tell someone 'I'm not okay, I need help'. I know it isn't easy for anyone to do, I know it's very hard for some of you guys. But you don't have to hurt yourself to say you need help, just talk to someone, yell scream if you have to. If you need someone just to listen, inbox me, I have been there I know what it's like to feel the pain and hurt and I want to be there for you guys because no one deserves to go through this.

Weather it is from insecurities or bullying I get the pain is going to hurt and at the time it will feel like it's the end of the world, but it's not. You will be okay wether you believe me or not, it will always get better because when you hit rock bottom you can only go up. I still cry, I have so much anger and hurt built up within me for three years and I am going to tell you now that it doesn't matter how old you are, what's going on if you need the support then tell me, I will listen and I can help, you may not want to tell me every detail, that's okay. When you are down you need someone to tell you that you are beautiful or you are amazing and no matter what it will get better, then inbox me that's my job.

I just want to finish this blog with a quote from one of my favourite songs "I'll stand by you, won't let anybody hurt you, take me into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you". You guys will be okay, because this is what my blog is for, it's to help you guys and let you know that there is someone out there that gets how you may feel.

I love you guys, please speak up.

xxx