Random Stuff

holidays

Why are holidays so weird? I mean, I guess it isn't the actual holidays that are weird, but something's weird.

I mean, I used to get super excitedly for time like Christmas, nothing was able to bring me down and I was super energetic. December was my favorite month. But now, especially since I started Middle School, I'm crying for hours at a time and my sister's gotten worse and life is just terrible. I thought the holidays would fix all that for me, but nope. They're not as cheery anymore, and I'm not as happy. I'm not as inspired to write, which is a huge thing for me. I used to absolutely love and adore writing, and it was my favorite thing to do. I could do it anytime, I would do it during any free time I had, and when I wasn't writing I was thinking of what to write next and new ideas. Now, though I still enjoy writing, now that I have a book published on Wattpad, it's not as cool for me. I found out that it was trye, no one likes what I write, it's not good. Yet I still feel obligated to write more on it. When I first started the story, I loved it and had so many ideas and couldn't stop writing. I'd even stay up an extra hour every night to write more. But now I barely get five minutes in, cause I don't feel like it's worth it. No one likes it, no one enjoys reading it, so what's the point? For awhile I thought the point was that I liked it, that I enjoyed it, but I recently realized it was untrue. I kept writing cause I thought I needed to, that I'd start to like it more if I continued on the original path from when I started. And now I'm making a new book, one that I've been truly excited about making ever since I started it on Thursday. But now, as I'm typing this, I realize that I've already lost that spark, because I know nobody will read or like it. No one reads or likes my current book, It Doesn't Help, so why would anyone like the new one? So what's the point of doing this if no one likes it? I don't know.

And then there's my sister. She's always been a jerk, as long as I can remember, but especially lately she's gotten way worse. Every chance she gets, even if I'm minding my own business, not saying or doing anything, she makes fun of more or hits me or yells at me or all three. I've never done anything to her and yet she thinks she can treat me like shit. And my parents don't do anything about it. She yells at me, they say I started it. She makes fun of me, they say to tell her to stop, which obviously never works. She hits me or punches me or hurts me in any way, they say it's not that serious or they didn't see her do anything or that it was my fault or to stop blaming her, even though she's the reason for everything that happens, not me. And I can't even fight back. If I do anything, even talk the slightest bit rude to her, she does worse and screams at me, or tells our parents that I hurt her or that I'm a fucking brat when I'm not. And she calls me ugly and mean and that no one likes me and I have no friends and that my friends hate me or pity me or are just annoyed by me in general.

And I'm not able to do anything around her or my household. If I cry because of everything she says or does to me or because of something that happened, she makes fun of me and yells at me more, saying I'm a baby brat and that I don't deserve anything, and then my brother comes in saying the same thing but worse. If I yell or shout at all, people scream at me saying I'm a jerk and a brat and I have to change who I am and worse. If I try and have fun, or if I'm on the computer and I'm laughing, they all instantly ruin it. She'll turn off the computer, yell at me, take my chair away, boss me around. If it's already been a horrible day, and I go on the computer, everyone purposely makes it even worse.

The computer is actually the only way these days for me to cheer up. I have no one to talk to, irl or online. But watching people on YouTube, specifically Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, and NateWantsToBattle, are the only people who can make me laugh and cheer me up, if only for a video's worth of time. They make up for the people I can't talk to.

So yeah, this holiday isn't very fun. It's the complete opposite. And no one cares. No one cares that I cried for two hours on Thursday, at school, and no one cares whenever I say I'm sad or upset or just need someone to talk to cause there's no one there. Just space. Just empty, space with only me and no one else.

And now I feel bad cause if I publish this, people will hate me cause I'm just talking about my problems and my life, but if I don't publish it then I know I'm alone forever. Well, I'll risk it. People probably hate me already.