Random Stuff

eh

I hate when someone tells you that they care and that you can talk to them about personal stuff and about what's wrong, but then makes fun of you or is mean to you or does something that shows that they don't care, that you can't talk to them about what's wrong or share your feelings. Because I thought I could trust you, and I was wrong. And they never stop making fun of you or being mean to you or spreading rumors, but they still tell you that you can talk to them, you can trust them, they're your friend. And the thing is, they are my friend/s. At least, I've never done anything to show them that they're not. Cause they're funny and they can be nice at times, but very rarely, and not when I truly need it. No, when I truly need it is when they're the worst and they know that I'm upset and I need someone to talk to, but they don't let me. Instead, they laugh at me, make fun of me, and do the exact opposite of helping. So I yell at them and I scream at them, trying to let some of my built up anger and upsetness out, but end up making it worse cause then they make fun of me for that and laugh at me for that. Then, when I've left and I've finally cooled down, I feel sorry for yelling and screaming and swearing at them. But I can't say sorry, cause then they'd laugh and make fun of me for that. And then they'd tell other people about my outburst and then I have the people I hate most coming up to me and making fun of me and laughing at me and they won't leave me alone. I try to surround myself with my friends and people who like the same things as me and who don't care if I'm weird or crazy or just be myself, cause then I won't be embarrassed and I won't be scared and I won't be worried, as long as I'm around them and I'm having fun. But that's not always true, cause there are times when my friends make fun of me or laugh at me or I'm scared of what they'll think or what they think of me, so I'm not able to be myself. I have to be this "normal" person and basically the opposite of myself, while they never notice that I'm scared or sad or upset or just need someone to talk to. And it's not like I'd be able to talk to them. One of them couldn't care less about my problems or anything, while the other isn't always comfortable talking about that kind of stuff. But I don't blame them, I mean, what's so great about listening to me talk about myself? I don't even know why this book has any views, it's just me ranting about my stupid life. And I bet no one will read this cause I'm just a dumb loser who thinks "Hey I'm gonna make a book focused on my problems and life cause I apparently think I deserve friends and an audience". And then just to add on to the list of "things that Julie hates about herself" I hate saying that I'm bullied cause I don't consider it "bullying" but I know I'm constantly made fun of, not even behind my back! People will come up to me, make fun of me right in front of my face, and walk away, and I don't do anything about it. It's been going on for awhile now, but none of my friends know about it. Well, they might, I just wouldn't know cause we never talk about anything important or relevant, they just go on about anime. And though I like anime and I sometimes add on to the conversation, that's almost all they talk about. I want to talk about something else, something better every once in a while. But nope. And people who I used to consider friends have been making fun of me, especially in my classes. The worst is Science class, where I'm constantly made fun of but it's never noticed or addressed by anyone. But it goes for all my classes and lunch and breakfast and before and after school, it's always happening but no one except me ever notices. And it never got to me until now. I used to be able to just brush it off, know that they're not my friends and I don't care what they think. But now that there's way more people doing it and I'm already being put under a ton of stress because of school, it's all getting to me and there's nothing I can do to stop myself from getting upset by it cause it's not like I can talk to anyone about it. I don't want to bother people with my problems or emotions or anything, because I know they won't care and won't be interested in me, and they wouldn't want to be there for me when I need them. I wouldn't want to bother them with something they don't want to hear, which is probably exactly what I'm doing to you guys right now, so I'm sorry. I'll go now, cause I have nothing good to say or do for the world and people are probably already tired of me.