Gasoline-- Tronnor AU

Chapter Nine- Connor

Control- Halsey

The thoughts come out of nowhere. It was four in the morning. I woke up with an urge to hurt myself.

I could hear whispers in the wind. A dark figure stood at the foot of my bed.

I knew it wasn't real. This is the fourth hallucination I've had this month.

But it looked so real...

Everyone was asleep. No one would know what happened.

It never makes sense. I'll be completely happy one moment and thinking about suicide the next.

Think happy thoughts.

What makes you happy?

What makes you feel at ease?

I tried to distract myself, but the Devils's voice was ringing in my ears.

Do what makes you happy.

Pain makes you happy.

Don't be afraid of it.

My heartbeat sped up. The thoughts subconsciously sent me into the bathroom.

They reminded me of all the things I can never have.

I'll never be happy

I'll never be normal

Vivid images of my nails digging into my skin. Bloodied Bodies. Broken Minds.

I lifted the blade to my arm. Those two sentences on repeat in my head. Controlling my actions.

I took in deep breath, letting the cold metal take away the pain in my heart.

I stared down at the burning red cut on the sensitive side of my arm.

What have I done?

I panicked when I saw all the blood. My blood.

I never meant to cut that deep. I held it under the water.

So much blood...

I started to feel light headed. I desperately held my hand down on the cut, trying to stop the bleeding.

You might not be afraid of death but everyone's scared of dying. Even if you try to kill yourself, that survival instinct will always kick in. It's just human nature. To survive.

I sank to the floor trembling. Red staining the pure white tiles.

I was dying. I didn't want to die. I thought I did. But I don't.

I cried, letting the darkness take my body.

***

I woke up screaming, with hands holding me down.

"Sir, you're okay. Your safe now," A woman's voice said.

I opened my eyes to find myself pinned down in a hospital bed.

Memories from the other night flooded me, sending me into a panic.

"He's having another panic attack!" She yelled.

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Blood spilled from the white walls. I screamed when the darkness came over me again.

***

I woke up feeling hazy and peaceful.

Still in a hospital room.

I tried to sit up.

"N-no, sweetie. Don't move."

My mother was next to me. Her eyes red from crying.

"Mom-" What do tell her. How can I explain this?

My sister, Nicola walked through the door with my little brother Brandon.

"Connor! You're ok!!" Brandon yelled throwing his arms around me.

My sister, on the other hand, didn't say anything. She set a hand on Mom's shoulder.

"Baby, please tell us what happened? What made you want to do this to yourself?" Her voice was barely audible.

I took in a shaky breath before letting the truth spill from my lips.

"I don't know where it comes from. I'll be completely fine one moment and then I just don't- I just want to- and sometimes I see these things and it feels so real. I can hear them whispering. A-and there's always so much blood. On the walls. On my hands. I don't know. Mommy, what's wrong with me?" I cried, curling up on the little hospital bed.

She held my hand. "I don't know sweetie, but whatever it is we'll help you get through it."

I nodded wiping away my tears.

What happeneds now?

~V

I can relate to almost every song on Halsey's album. Its kinda sad...