for you

something i never sent you

This was written some time in July then continued into August. I just happened to add more things as time went on. I am going to warn you now, there's some things in this that I don't believe anymore. Some of the stuff, I have changed my perspective on. I'm sorry if this hurts you. But I wanted to share every thought I had about you. You need to know how I felt, because you have the right to.

(I'm warning you)

Well, I'm sorry I fell for you.

I'm sorry that I didn't need to see what you looked like to fall in love with you.

I'm sorry I fell in love with your personality and your little quirks.

I'm sorry that I got used to talking to you everyday.

I'm sorry I needed to break my bad habit of waking up and texting you. I'm sorry that we'll never meet and maybe this whole thing is just a waste of time. I think of that a lot actually, not that I regret talking to you but seriously, you must've thought about this once or twice yourself. Wasting your time with me. To put it in metaphoric terms, it's like-you know what, you can't put this into a terminology of what this. Too complicated and takes too much time. Maybe I'm like a flower and you're the water and the sunlight. I need you.

Christians and God, people need something to believe in to be sane. People need something to believe in, otherwise what's the point? There are many thing people believe in; love, God, themselves, fairytales, aliens, that 2pac is still alive.

I mean the list goes on and on. Without believing in something you're stuck in this place in self pity and worthlessness that you feel inside your bones.

For instance, I believe in fairytales. Maybe one day, I will go somewhere and lose my shoe and meet someone and when they return it, we fall in love. Sounds bizarre, but have you seen Frozen? Cinderella was much more realistic than Elsa. Shooting ice out of my hands or falling in love and getting married the first twenty minutes you know someone? I want to have a love like Cinderella, and adventures that no one can understand but us.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but just hear me out.

I wished to meet you in this life time. And maybe sometimes people make wishes when they need a reason to keep believing. Sometimes it's all they have to hold onto.

"If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders."

My interpretation of this quote is that in order to know the person's desires, wants, needs, thoughts, loves, likes, hates... You have to look and see where their mind goes meaning who they day dream of, what they daydream about the person. It's to see where their mind goes in order to be able to know their heart's desires. You, the person that is reading this. I think about you as soon as I wake up in the morning, when I had a really amazing day or a really horrible one too, I want to tell you anything that you want to know. I want you to discover new things about me that I didn't even know. I have a list of songs that remind me of you. I have varies of letters and journal entries of the things I've been meaning to say but never did.

There's a lot of things I still have no idea about you. I don't remember your favorite song, but I can detect your mood through your tone and the way you reply to my messages. I'm not sure how old you are, but know we're the same height. I kind of know what your voice sounds like, I don't know why your face looks like when you're really really happy. But I don't know the things that makes you, well you. And I honestly know I sound really fucking cliché, and I know how you hate cliché. But I'm not going to apologize. I'm not going to apologize for how I feel about you.