for you

don't believe in love

the night i wrote this i was sad, i was also enraged with you. this may be hard to read. sorry.

so..lately i don't believe in love. i don't think i ever loved you. its impossible. and i know you really didn't love me either.
we both gave each other different pieces of ourselves and neither of them are not matching up.

we thought we were just teenagers falling in love. that's not even close to what we were/are. we tried to crash our worlds together to make something beautiful that future generations would look up to in awe. we are a disaster. that is all we ever were. we tried too hard on something that would never work out. why did we think this would work? why did i keep trying, why did you keep trying? you knew for months before i did-that we weren't meant for each other.

right now, neither of us are trying. we just had our one year anniversary. i don't even know if you would you even call it a anniversary? anniversaries are for special occasions. like marriage celebrations and something that changed your life dramatically. we have periods of time where we didn't talk or we were fighting..i was too stubborn to admit it was my fault and i always made you take the blame.

i wanted to break you for my own enjoyment. i wanted your heart to be in so much pain that you wouldn't be able to go on with your day. i wanted to ruin you until you were nothing. i wanted you to regret even talking to me in the first place. i was nothing. i thought hurting you was okay. because when you are nothing, you could do no wrong. but that was wrong to think that.

i drowned myself in alcohol, while you drowned yourself in your own tears. i never cried over you..not even about you-until recently, but not out of love, out of hate and regret and anger. i think if i were never to talk to you ever again, it would be great. you know a lot about me..more than the average person should...it bothers me. maybe sometimes i think it's good that we live so far away because even though i want someone to hold me, i don't have to deal with the problems face-to-face. i don't have to look you in the eyes while you are begging me not to leave you.

i know i promised i would never ever leave and that i was a person of my word. sometimes things are suppose to be set free. just like how some people they see a bird with a broken wing, they help it, try to fix them, then after they're done helping and saving the bird..they set it free. i think my work here is done.
do not make me feel guilty for leaving. we both know that this is overdue. this was suppose to happen months ago. and even if you don't know that yet, you will soon. do not do anything stupid. i'm the moron here, i don't know if i will regret this.

i'm not a housekeeper, i'm not going to clean up after you have made a mess.

it's ridiculous how much pressure i have on my shoulders. i'm done trying to act like we are okay. we're the furtherest thing from okay. but in your head everything is okay.

have you put yourself in my shoes, have you even tried? i hope you see this, i hope you cry because this never ending panic attack has been brought on by you. you're almost as worse as the darkness in your mind and the lack of sympathy is a tea spoon of salt rubbed into the wound. you're a disgrace to me.

none of this was real; you liked me for the attention i gave you. there was no love on your part. you are nothing but nonsense. i can't believe i actually wanted you. i can't believe my body actually ached for you; for your touch.

i need a friend, not someone who will get jealous every time i talk about someone else liking me.

you're the one who never stepped up to the plate and claimed me, so here i am trying to find someone else while your cheering my name in the bleachers not trying hard enough to have me.