for you

realization

9/22/16

hey, i'm writing this in  hurry right now..i was thinking. overthinking. and i just wanted to write down how i felt.

i keep saying 'i miss you,' and you just keep avoiding it like it's the plague. ugh. our conversations aren't even meaningful anymore. its just you sending some picture you found funny or me sending you pictures, videos, or telling you what i'm doing.

actually i did that and you're like "okay?", like you didn't care. i don't voice my opinion to you that much anymore because i'm afraid you might find it boring and think i am self-inflicted. which i try not to be.

it's hard sometimes you know. not being selfish. because there's all these people telling me to "not keep it all in," and "tell someone how you're feeling. feelings eat you alive," I'm not going to tell someone something and them not care.

I'm really sensitive when it comes to that stuff. i remember you freaked out on me one time because when you told a story, i would start typing and telling you one too. i just always read that if you loved someone you always wanted to hear what they said. and its not even like i was ignoring the story you were telling me, i just get excited because we have similar stories and views.

i realized you can't put everything on one person, but you're like the only one i trust..you know everything about me, I'm sorry for feeling comfortable with you. i just get excited.

in this year, we have made it so fucking far in this year. i am so proud of you. but you need to understand i am human too.

i have feelings and sometimes i need to talk about them. i feel like i know more about you then you know about me. for fucks sake, i feel like i've known you my whole life...but if i asked you what my favorite color was you wouldn't have a clue.

sometimes i have my doubts..but i can't hold my feelings in anymore. I'm writing you this for fucks sakes, what am i getting in return?

nothing.

nothing at all.

sometimes i even write you huge paragraphs on how much i love you. what do i get?

"thanks."

I'M SORRY BUT SOMETIMES I GET MAD. I NEED ATTENTION TOO. AND I WANT SAPPY AND CLICHE THINGS SAID ABOUT ME. I WANT ALL THESE THINGS.

you always say you're not good with words, but neither am i. but guess what? i want you to feel special and loved, so i do this for you. i know I'm not good at writing, its only for you baby.
this chapter is making me feel so selfish and needy. but this is the truth. i'm not going to apologize for how i feel..

i need more than what we have now.
last year i stayed up early morning hours, i used to get 4 hours of sleep, maybe even less than that. i would give you all the attention you needed. i let you rant to me. i let you do whatever. because i was happy that we were talking.

we'll probably going to go through the same thing. over my summer break, we didn't even talk that much. and i was up all the time. but that didn't matter.

i make time for you. i've gotten my phone taken away from me in school just because i wanted to make sure you were okay. i feel like i'm the only one in this.

anymore you're in a bad mood, but when i'm in a bad mood..i get NOTHING. i have problems too you know.. i'm stressed enough as it is. i don't need you obnoxious mood swings to bring me down. when i am sad, i keep it in, because i know you're in a good mood and i don't want to bring you down. i am so tired of this. whatever the fuck this is. i'm not sure if i can do this.

one of us needs to change, and it's not me. because i have already changed myself. i changed myself for you, you know? i did this all for you. this whole fucking stupid-ass-pointless book is for. YOU.

i'm trying so hard not to flip on you and put you in an even worse mood.

you don't make time for me. its a simple thing to ask for. but it seems like its to much for you to do. just be there for me.

IT'S SHITTY I FEEL SO GUILTY WRITING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE THIS SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.

//i was over viewing all of the chapters and i saw this..i was going to delete it but then i remembered i want to show all of me to you, even if its about you.//