for you

you're different now

i always have this dull pain in the back of my head. i can't sleep anymore. we don't say i love you anymore. we kind of just dismiss the fact that this is way more than a friendship- and has been for awhile.

i wish some things would go back to the beginning. i wish i could get to know more about you. i wish we could just start all over..and i know you would beg to differ of this but think about it...when everything was smooth, before we broke each other until we were just ashes trying to find the other parts of ourselves then soon realizing the rest of us was being carried in the wind.

i miss you so fucking much..you're so different now. i am not sure what it is. ugh. my head is fucking killing me right now.

we haven't had an actual conversation in forever, because i see a real conversation as: deep questions, getting to know your fears, hopes, desires, what makes you happy or what makes you sad-i want to know you. but you're so barricaded behind this strong walls that you won't let me. a conversation for you is: joking around and not learning more, and telling stories. and believe me any conversation with you is perfect and everything i could ever ask for, because it is better than nothing, you know?

i recall me saying that we were polar opposites. we seriously are though..it is weird how well we combined and molded this friendship.

is this a friendship? i don't think so...but then on the other hand..this isn't a relationship either. "more than friends, less than lovers." you wrote this one thing like, "what would have happened if we were dating," or something along the lines of that..what would this be like? would there be more problems and complications or would everything would be breezy because then i would know that you are mine and that no one else could have that title. i think about this more often than sometimes.

our honey moon stage was something...then you had to deal with my horrid and disgusting mood swings but you dealt with me. that means everything to me.

i have these dull pains in my head whenever i think about this too much. do i care too much?