for you

it's life and it's hard

I stay up late at night, thinking of how many skeletons are in my closet. Or how I am suppose to hide them from my mother.

I have ink stained paper filled with the way I feel about you. I have blood stained thighs for the nights I didn't think I was good enough.

For the majority of my teen years I thought about suicide. I see kids my age shoving tongues down their friend's throat and white lies scattered over the locker rooms. I never like seeing anyone sad, it sucks when you are sad and you're left with your thoughts and no one to share them with.

I have a difficult time with filling in the blank moments, this doesn't feel real. When I look at my hands, I see guns and something so deadly you can't even wrap your mind around it. I wasn't really good with feelings, I still have a huge problem with them..I think it's getting better. I know my anxiety is getting worse, it fucking sucks.

Sometimes I would rather cut out all of my insides than be in high school...that has to mean something. Am I too weak or am I just really cautious of what I get into? Sometimes I punish myself after I stutter. I still don't know my right from left. Why do I seem to only be going down? I'm frightened by the time I am twenty I will be a psychopath.

I don't want to harm myself anymore, my body doesn't deserve it and I know it's not my fault..but I have no one else to blame. So that's why I did it.

That's why I can barely think straight right now, my screen is blurry and my eyes hurt so much from crying. The only thing I do anymore is cry and complain.

I bring everyone down, and I fucking hate it. I know people will start avoiding me like influenza, but they're stuck with me for now.

Why do you still talk to me? We barely even talk anymore and I don't know how you do it. I respect you a lot.

I know I said I would write a meaningful book about how much I love you, but I have never looked into your eyes and seen all the galaxies in them.

I have never touched your skin, and felt my whole body tingle.

I have never kissed your lips and had my head explode.

I have never heard you scream my name out of pleasure.

I have never seen you when you were laughing so hard that you were crying.

I have never seen you fall asleep.

I have never intertwined our fingers together while staring at the big city.

I have never traced your body with my hands.

I have never taken you out to a fancy dinner.

I have never seen your face as my fingers are being clenched inside of you, showing you love in many forms.

I have never seen your face while you were angry.

I have never seen you try and hide your blush while I made an inappropriate comment.

I have never seen you get so angry that you have smoke coming out of your ears.

I have never seen how your body would tremble at my touch.

-I haven't done a lot of things, I added them to my bucket list..I am hoping to check them off before I die.-

You haven't seen a lot of things either.

You haven't seen what I will do to the world when I shut down, what you saw was nothing compared to the big storm.

You haven't seen me cry until I started hyperventilated and was on the verge of passing out.
You haven't seen me get so stressed out that I make everyone else's lives around me a living hell.

You haven't seen what I will do to myself.

You haven't seen me tear down my walls and put in stronger barriers because I lost trust in humanity.
You haven't seen me forget what my name is because I am so intoxicated.

You haven't seen what harm I will do.

You haven't seen me talk to myself, trying to push myself into suicide.

You haven't seen rushed thoughts written on paper in the early morning hours.

You have never seen my eyes turn red from all the anger instilled in my soul.

You haven't ever see me yell at the voices that get angry at me when I do something wrong.
You haven't seen the pain and pleasure you would get from my existence.

You haven't seen the way my hands tremble when I am talking to people.

You haven't ever seen me clench my jaw so hard that my teeth shatter.
You haven't seen my eyes budge out of their sockets from being so angry and inferior with everyone and everything.

You haven't seen me bite my nail down to the bone.

You haven't seen my limbs on the kitchen counter.

You haven't seen me hanging from the ceiling fan begging for you to let me go.

You haven't seen the countless hours that I will not talk to you, then proceed to get mad at you-actually I think you have.
-I had control over you..you can say you were pussy whipped a matter of fact.