dear caden,
Unfair. It was the same word i would've described myself when it comes to you. You gave all of what you can give to me but I gave none. You expressed your love for me and I never even muttered any confessions of mine to you. I've always been intact, I've built a wall and you tried to destroy it and with that you succeeded.
You might never noticed it but I was genuinely happy the moment you said you liked me. I might have acted like I was annoyed of your courting me but I wasn't. I acted like a boastful person that keeps on telling you that it is your love that was the greatest.
But it is not the measure of love we have for each other that I need to know but what are the boundaries it has that it is willing to overtake.
I love you that's why I did what I have to. It is not the lacking of your love for me but the absence of the willingness of myself to love my own. And when I can't love myself completely I knew I won't be satisfied because I know that I should accept myself first before anyone in order to obtain the kind of love I can give.
Those moments with you gave me an experience like a rollercoaster ride that whatever complications, ups and Downs and even how scared I am to try it, I was willing to ride on it again and again. I'm willing to repeat those moments with you.
But then it slowly hunted me. My nightmares came back and the demons attacked me in sleep and in the darkness and I tried to use the spark I gave that ignited the fire inside you. But then they weren't enough, my sparks wasn't enough to reach the point that it can scare away all of them. And that's when I knew my love wasn't enough and those demons became stronger. The boundaries of my love was over and I didn't even reached the line of yours.
I decided with what I have to do. I decided you were better off without me. I need to take myself out of your life before I became someone like my brother who'll eventually transform you into a worse one.
I'm not apologizing that I left you. I'm not apologizing that the day I chose was your birthday, I wanted you to remember me so maybe that was the best date. Pretty smart right?
But instead I want to apologize for saying I love you for it was a lie. It was a poison for me so I threw it out before it lingers in my body. The feelings I felt would never be love for it'll be an insult to what you felt for me. But why would I compare it with yours again?
I felt something beyond words and indescribable. I felt something so strong I am willing to sacrifice it to not destroy the love you have. To keep its purity.
So please do a favor for me. I know I've hurt you so much, don't blame yourself again for all my mishap in life for it is I who chose this path. I know you for we are the perfect resemble of one another though you have a more stronger spirit.
My favor is for you to love again. I'm not saying this because I know you love me so much that you'll drown and never get over me because I'm so great and I'm the only one for you. Okay, maybe I am conceited that much about you.
But please do. I would love to see mini versions of you when if it's from other girls. Do name your daughter with mine, okay I'm not forcing this one. I would love to witness you love again and in that time you'll love someone who is complete and will never leave you.
I want you to live your life.
And if you think you have any debts to me, any wrong actions done, consider it paid and forgiven when you did my favor but if not, remember I'm always beside you and I would not think twice of showing up and taking you with me since you go waste your life because of me.
This is getting too long, need to cut the crap already. So I guess this is enough for you to understand me. I guess my threat is enough for you to get a life, find a wife and have some children.
I love you again. Much much more than that.
Please do visit my tomb and buy three flowers for all of us because it is only you that is left to do that. I don't want my throne to look like it's part of the grass there.
I don't want to look like I'm forgotten.
Say hello from me to your family when you have one already.
-Talia
