Why does everything hurt sometimes? You do the right thing and it sucks. You do the wrong thing and it still sucks. Where's the compromise?
Chapter 3
"You did what?" Harper asked looking at me unbelievingly.
"Like I said; Julie and I kissed."
"I don't believe it," he said still in doubt and I couldn't tell whether he was denying it for his own sake, or because he didn't like what I did.
Ok. The thing was that Harp was like my unofficial special kind of boyfriend pal and let's just say we had a lot of history between us even if it wasn't full blown romance.
"Harp?" I spoke his name softly as I pushed a few long strands of hair from his face. "Could you please look at me?" I asked starting to wonder if I'd choose Julie over him.
When he turned his face back up to look at me, I could tell he was angry from the set of his lips and slant of his eyebrows. I looked at the twin piercings on his brow and remembered the day we had gone to the tattoo shop -no ID and all- and got piercings and matching tatts; It had been a good day.
"I don't want things between us to change," I said sliding my hand over his on the cafeteria table.
"Well, you don't act like it," he said flatly without any bite to it.
"I have to figure out what I need."
"And I'm not what you need, right?" He asked looking to his side where a clumsy freshman had dropped his glass bottle soda.
"I didn't mean it like that," I say avoiding his gaze.
"I am not judging you Charlie, but I don't think what you're doing is right or even real. I don't know what's wrong with you!" He whispered imploringly as if the words could actually change my mind.
"It's just that I have to figure out some things," including the not so tiny secret I've kept from you over the years.
"Do what you want," he said getting up and starting out the cafeteria.
"Wait! Is this it?" I asked blocking his way.
"Is that what you want?" He asked looking down at me.
"Maybe I don't know what I want."
He smiled though it was one of those sad hopeless smiles. "Figure out what you want," he said leaning down and kissing my forehead before he walked round me and left.
I remained standing there in the cafeteria unable to move or fully comprehend what had just gone down.
Shit, I have to get out of here, I thought taking the back door and disappearing into the girls' bathroom before anyone saw me crying.
I locked myself inside a stall and let the tears flow.
Had I just lost Harper? That couldn't be! No! No! No! I slammed my hand onto the wall.
"Charlotte?" I heard Julie's voice call out from behind the door, but I didn't respond.
"Did you have a tiff with Harry?"
Harry? How hard could it be to tell the difference between Harry and Harper?
Harry wanted to screw every girl who'd let him, he loved attention and was so full of himself, while Harper was quiet, had longer hair, always wore black steel-toed biker boots, and made you wonder if he was an undercover angel.
The fact that Julie called him Harry made me feel angry because at Easton you had to be popular or at least be trying to climb up that ladder to be someone, and that was what I loved about Harper; he wasn't bending backwards to be cool and hip.
"It wasn't Harry, it was Harper," I said leaning against the wall.
"Ok, now just please open the door so that we could talk."
I wasn't really sure I wanted to talk about it, but I opened the door and cringed when I saw my reflection on the mirror.
"Babe, what the f**k happened?" She asked taking my face in her hands.
"I, I dont even know how I messed it up," I said replaying everything in my head. "I guess I didn't anticipate how he'd react to me being in a relationship with you," I said citing her as the reason for our fight, and also acknowledging that there was indeed something between us all under one breath.
"What did you just say?" She asked her whole face suddenly turning pale.
"What do you mean?" I asked sniffling.
"He could tell on us!" She cried out.
"Tell on us to who? Harper wouldn't tell anyone something I told him in confidence; he's not a b*tchy gossip guy."
"I don't want anyone to know," she said leaning against the marble surface around the sinks.
I understood why she felt that way; she had a lot to lose if word came out she was a lesbo. I on the other hand had nothing to lose because I didn't have anything to be tarnished: no big family name, no dairy queen titles, no public opinion to lose... I'd still be the same freak at the end of the day.
"Your secret is safe with me," I promised kissing her softly lest we turn the bathroom into a love nest.
"You always say the right things," she said holding my hand.
"We shouldn't be in here like this; someone might walk in," I said removing my fingers from hers reluctantly.
"Uh-uuh, I put the cleaners' board outside, which equals privacy," she said finishing her statement with a whispered 'privacy'.
"You are, such, a, delinquent," I said as we kissed.
"Let's clean up your face since it's not yet Halloween," she laughed pulling out wipes from her purse and cleaning off my ruined make-up.
"It's a good thing you're here, since I left all my make-up in my locker."
Now I was just afraid she would make me look funny, because I was Goth, and she was the SHOUT! Type of girl, but to my surprise she was really good.
"We should probably go for preps before we're found in the hallway 'loitering'," I said as the warning bell rang.
"One more kiss before we leave -separately- please," she begged.
The kiss was great, but I somehow thought of Harper.
