Charlie
There's no one else like me: no other version of me who can do what I can't, no other me who dreams my dreams or fears my fears; and if I mess up? There's only just me to clean it up.
Chapter 5
"Carrie Underwood is not hotter than Beyonce," I debated rolling onto my back so that I was looking at the ceiling in Julie's room.
"Based on what exactly?" Julie asked flipping a page of 'Lez Today'.
"Sex appeal? Ever heard of that?" I said sitting up, "Carrie is soo goody-goody and pure-like, I don't know... she doesn't do anything for me." I said collapsing back onto the bed.
"Anyway, who's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen?" She asked rubbing her wrist against those perfume sample pages that activated upon addition of friction and sniffing curiously.
"You, I guess, since Taylor Swift's eyes creep me out a bit."
"Really? I also think you're beautiful too," she said tucking perfect golden waves of hair behind her ear. "Everytime we kiss, it's like kissing Britney Spears, but only better."
"Please don't restart that Brit look-a-like thing, pleeeease!" I said rolling onto my tummy and burying my face in the thick blankets.
"But you do look like her Charlie, and besides; it's a good look," she said nudging my side with her foot.
"It's not my look, it's allegedly Britney's."
I did look a bit like a brunette Britney, but people often said that I'd let myself go and that I was a mess... but that was just who I was.
"Is this Britney's hair?" She asked brushing her fingers through my hair, "or her smooth flawless pale skin?" She asked rubbing my neck.
"Not the last time I checked," I said turning my head to look at her and lacing my fingers with hers.
"Can you at least try getting into a position in which we could make out?" She said pulling me up onto my knees in front of her. "I am in a dangerously freaky mood."
"That sounds interesting," I replied as she bit on my lower lip playfully.
We had been seeing each other for a little bit over a month, and I was glad that we were still able to take things slow.
Of course I was itching to experience more with her, but just not yet. If we did anything major at this point in our relationship, it would be just too soon. But that didn't mean we couldn't fool around every now and then.
"Tell me about your first girlfriend," I asked Jules as we lied facing each other.
"That was a while back," she said remembering fondly. "I was fifteen and Tyler Marshall had just stolen my virginity. I can't even tell you a single thing I liked about him -save for the fact that he was popular and dating him covered my lesbianity."
"You knew by the time you were fifteen?" I asked remembering how confused and depressed I was around that time.
She shrugged slightly. "It's not that I knew, but rather I could tell that I wasn't attracted to boys at all. From then, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was a bit naive and I didn't know that Tyler was a snake; he got me drunk and we had sex. It was so freakin' disgusting. I never told anyone and I started shopping impulsively because I felt like something was missing.
It was when I was out trying to buy a whole shoe collection that I met her; Mandy Fergusson. I don't know how she knew I wasn't straight, or that I was trying to find comfort in new shiny things; but she was drawn to me and I to her.
We went out for coffee and neither one of us could deny the attraction. She'd openly told me she was a lesbo and asked me if I was too. I didn't know if I was all this time, but when she asked me; I knew I was.
We dated for two years and everything seemed to be going well, until she asked me to come out. I expected her to understand my fears at having this sort of a relationship and what having people know would mean to me and my family, but she didn't. Our relationship became a hussle after that and we just broke up."
"You were still in love with her," I asked though it wasn't really a question.
"Yes I was, but it was like keeping us a secret -to her- meant I didn't love her enough. It got frustrating since we were never happy together anymore."
"You said Tyler... raped you."
"Yeah, I guess he did," she said frowning.
What had she thought his getting her drunk and screwing her was called?
"I heard he joined some big state uni, but he should be in prison," I said touching her hand.
"It's not a big deal now. I sort of just got over it since I didn't instigate it or anything; it was just somebody bad doing something bad."
"You're stronger than anyone might guess Jules."
"I hope so," she said smiling a bit. "So, how about you?"
"Never had a boy or girl friend of that sort; I am just drifting through life trying to do what I can when I can."
"And?" She asked wanting me to say more.
"I don't have a great plan for my life. I could be here today, gone tomorrow. I just live my life one day at a time."
"Dreams aren't so hopeless you know. What do you want most in this life?" She asked lifting our entwined fingers up.
"That's not very hard to answer; happiness."
"Happiness?" She asked scrunching her nose.
"Yeah."
My goal in life was to be happy because a lot of things in life were geared towards taking it away. Didn't that then mean that happiness was something we should strive for? Fight for?
