Just Okay

Why I'm lonely

I don't know if I can remember the last time I was actually happy. I'm so good at pretending that I'm happy that sometimes I convince myself I am and I start to forget. I realise I have no confidence in myself and that's why I pretend. I see no point in opening up because I know that what I say will just be dismissed as if it's no big deal. Forgotten the second it leaves my mouth.

No one says anything because it's just the same words, repeated in a never ending loop, the same unresolved issues and the same problems. The regular outbursts of tears and same feelings in my stomach, every now and then. It eventually becomes exhausting. The thing is I know it's understandable if you don't want to hear it but stop, stop acting like you care. I want you to stop forcing me to talk about the things I don't want to and I want you to stop making me feel like you genuinely want to hear it because it hurts when I know that you don't even bother to acknowledge what I say.

This, this is why I don't talk. Dealing with depression or anxiety sucks, going to sleep at 3 in the morning sucks, and feeling tired all the time sucks. Feeling like you don't belong sucks, feeling alone sucks, and most of all, knowing that nothing is going to change sucks.

If I told you that this was how I felt sometimes, would you judge me? Honestly if I could reach inside my body and pull out all of the sadness, anger, loneliness, and shit, I would.

I can't talk to anyone without feeling like I'm being a burden or that they're pretending to care because I know they don't actually care or they think that I'm making things up. Why would I pretend not to be okay?

I haven't been okay for the past few weeks. It feels really lonely and I start to have bad thoughts again but I can't talk to anyone.

There was only one person that seemed to care about me and only one person who I truly cared about. Every step I took with her felt like a step towards getting better again but now every step I take is towards desolation. There is no one. Everyone else seems to behave more like an acquaintance rather than a friends who'll actually try and understand you. No one will reach me and no one truly cares. Loneliness is pain and people are consumed by themselves to see what others are going though.

"Sometimes loneliness makes the loudest noise." The silence can be so deafening that it starts to hurt in your chest. It's so quiet and yet so loud in your mind. You're filled with all these thoughts and ideas that you know no one wants to hear. Even if they say they want to and you fall for it, all that's going to happen is that you're just going to get hurt again. I'm going to get hurt again. Why do people have to be this lonely? There are billions of people in the world, all of them looking for others to satisfy them and yet we isolate ourselves but why? I don't get it anymore.

I've felt so strong these past few weeks, but tonight it's starting to hurt. It's like the pain and loneliness decided to come out to play for no good reason.

I feel lost and I don't know where I'm going. I feel like I'm drowning in darkness and I feel blinded and clueless. I feel like I lack meaning. I feel so lost when I'm lonely because I feel like people help give us a sense of meaning and understanding of everything. It's like when you have a problem that you can't seem to figure out and your first instinct is to ask someone else about it. When we are lonely, no one is around to give us support and so we begin to lose our sense of identity. No one is there to tell us what we're doing right, or what we're doing wrong, or their views on the things we do. We become encircled in our own delusions and thinking without the thought of what others will think and we start breaking.

At least that's how I start breaking. It's starts off as a void or an empty space, like something is missing. A hole in our heart, an emptiness somewhere within us that we can't cover up so we get consumed by it and we dig up other places to fill that void and end up failing. We damage what's left of us without other people and we drag that feeling on for a long time. It becomes persistent and it could go on for years.

The feeling of being excluded, different, unaccepted, they all eat at you from the inside out. Hollowing you into a body of scattered thoughts and no help. Loneliness starts to feel overwhelming. I fill up, like a balloon that's about to burst. I try so hard to bottle everything down and for the most part, it works.

But there are days where I bottle it too far down and the pressure builds up so much that it becomes uncontrollable and then I burst. Into tears, I burst and my stomach sinks and all that was left of my confidence dissolves. It pushes me to more isolation. It pushes me into a small space where I feel unwanted and not needed so that's where I end up.

I'm lonely because my mind chooses to be lonely. It gets worse when I keep it in. I can end up keeping it in for months at a time and breaking when it gets too hard. I don't really know why I get lonely sometimes. Sometimes I'm surrounded by many people and yet I feel like not one of them will understand me or like me. So I choose to stay quiet and listen to the many conversations that other people are having. I became a wallflower; All I do is stand around and watch other people talk.

I've been so absorbed by the thought of other people's opinions that I invalidated my own. I crave closeness, we crave closeness. It's not just the matter of us being social creatures, it's the matter of us wanting to feel loved and important. I don't get that often.

I lock my mind into thinking that my thoughts are meaningless and that my problems don't mean a thing because I feel like all I do is burden people by telling them my story.