Just Okay

You'll never really know me

You know, the thing about me is that I don't open up easily. I don't open up to you easily either because look at us, we've gone this far without you really knowing much about me. You never really know someone until you see things in their perspective or can somehow get them to talk about their memories.

You can tell if they're lying about things quite easily if you pay close attention to the things that they do, the little details are the key to figuring them out. I've grown to not show any small movements or signs of lying. If you're terrible at pretending, you'll often look to your right and then look back at the person you're talking to, possible pick at your nail or play with your hand. Your neck can tense up and you end up trying to move the conversation away from the topic.

I used to be terrible at pretending and lying but I grew to find that it's actually simple once you notice what gives it away. You start avoiding the little details but it comes at a price, you often won't trust other people you know lie a lot. You'll often not trust anyone, like me.

I don't trust people with anything so I made up my own profile and only gave out the things I wouldn't mind everyone knowing. I gave out my middle name and where I was from, I rarely even said my age just because I thought it was unnecessary to. I often lied about being straight or about not caring about someone's sexist jokes. I don't really want to lie about my sexuality but it becomes hard when you don't really know the person to know how they're going to treat you when they find out, it's hard to know whether or not they're a safe person to speak to.

I'm a safe person though, I know this because I've been there for people to come out to first even though they don't know much about me. I guess it's because I never really talk about other people rudely or think of them poorly. I'm more towards letting people be people and if I don't like them then they can just scootch on without me. I don't like to keep negativity around me.

I like being a box of surprises. There was once this girl that asked me if she could tell me something she's never told anyone before, she was maybe two or three years younger than me, she used to work with me at the toy store so I said yeah she could tell me anything. End of story she told me she was gay and that she likes girls but she's never been brave enough to come out to anyone because she was worried they would think of her differently. All I said was "yeah kid? So am I." I'm pretty sure I ended up buying her a Paddle Pop Ice Cream.

Well I guess I'm as secretive as people can get and not many people will ever know the real me, my parents didn't, my exes probably don't know any more than where I'm from and who I am. I used to date people as a hobby but I stopped my way because it takes the joy out of dating, it takes the joy out of feeling loved and replaces it with something temporary and hollow, full of it.

Here is my opinion on the different of loving someone and falling in love with someone. Falling in love with someone, to me, is like experiencing love for the first time with a certain someone, it's all new and fresh and you get blinded by their perfectness and how they smell and look and talk and mostly everything physical. Falling in love with someone is innocent and beautiful because you get to experience all these new feelings for that person and you get to know them more and love them more, but it could also go another way.

You could fall in love with someone and not end up loving them because when you fall you eventually get up but the thing about loving someone is it builds up. Not like falling in love where you're all suddenly all over each other but like listing all the great things about a person and explaining why you love them and then listing all the not so great things about that person and explain why you wouldn't change them for anyone else.

Loving someone can be a lot of work because you're stuck with this feeling for a long long time, even if you wouldn't like to admit it. They're names become carved into the back of your mind and you can try to cover it up but you know it's still there, you just can't really see it anymore. I fall in love a lot and it's been stupid so far because I have fallen out of it more the plenty. I'm loving someone and when I love someone it takes a lot to make me not love them again.

I love my best friend because he's all I got right now and I never need to tell him because he knows that I love him with all my heart. I don't like to admit that I love someone because I find that they end up losing their respect for my love and it ends up fading into an empty and hollow word 'love' imagine it whisper to nothingness and into the abyss of the dark emptiness, the word would just sound like the rustle of the wind through the leaves though that would still be more beautiful than an empty 'I love you'.

My love life is dead, I love someone that's in love with me. I can't be in love with them because I tried and it just does not work out well. I can't keep forcing myself to make other people happy so here I am not making other people feel any way possible.

It's much better than being left with the guilt of somehow tearing someone down emotionally, it's cruel to make someone feel bad and so I've tried my hardest to avoid it. I've even stopped trying to correct people when they do something wrong. I've always thought of it as telling someone they've got something in their teeth, they should actually appreciate us telling them but other people just get mad and say we embarrassed them, so I learnt to keep my mouth shut.

I've watched things that happen that could potentially ruin a relationship my friends were in but I keep my mouth shut because love blinds people and not everyone can handle the difference between helping out and insulting. I would never insult someone, I find that stupid, I would make an argument against something someone would say then I would point out more details in the things that are wrong from them. I now only do that for people who will never know I exist.

I'm a lot of things but I am not a good person.