Just Okay

Why I regret

I regret those nights where I drink too much and wound up on the bathroom feeling crapulous. Violently remembering every stupid decision I've ever made. The dissentive cognitive state I fall into, filled with self blame and a wish to only undo a previous choice. I always wished I could've thought things through more. Instead every time I try to think of the things I could've improved, I get this pain of regret that doesn't allow me to focus on the things I want to, I can't just choose not to think about it anymore.

I regret the lost opportunities I could've had the most. There were so many chances I didn't take and all this regret is coming from my counterfactual thinking. I keep thinking about how things could've gone if I had done something else.

All those opportunities, forever missed. I regret getting so wound up about things and ending up losing you. I regret those fights over silly little things like when you didn't say you loved me, or didn't say I looked beautiful. I regret breaking up over a conflict so little and played out so often that I should've let it go.

It irritates me. Ending on bad terms, not having proper closure. There were so many things left unsaid. So many things I could've done to make it better. So many things we could've done, to make us better. I left you perplexed, with questions unanswered. I became empty and overtaken by thoughts of "what if", "what if" I could've done something better, "what if" I had changed the way I worded things.

I could've sworn your voice was gravelly and tremulous. As if you were trying to keep your image and not feel powerless. I felt powerless. I felt the words flick off my mouth like gasoline being lit up with every silence I got from you. You had become so egotistical that all you cared about was looking like you couldn't care less.

I became sullen and filled with dissatisfaction from the response you gave me. I poured my heart out to you and I'm starting to wish I didn't. I wished I had played it out differently and more smoothly because obviously I messed up. I messed up really badly and I don't think it was fair of me to make you feel like it was your fault.

I regret making you leave. I regret not even trying to sort things out with you and I'm sorry. I'm actually very very sorry, I left and I was filled with regret. But I know that you're unsympathetic so I really shouldn't bother apologising, it only makes me regret things more. There could've been so many thing we could've improved and yet I chose not to go through the struggle. I know it could've been worth it, I know that we could've gotten better. Can't I be blithe about us?

I should've never doubted you, I should've never been so pushy. Now I miss you because I miss feeling loved and I miss the memories. I don't know whether or not you miss me but what matters is that we're still friends. We don't talk much and that sucks because we used to talk about everything. Things change, we regret. What I don't regret is being with you.

I don't regret the fun moments we had, I regret the ones we missed. I don't regret the time we spent together, I regret the time we didn't. But that's what regret is. Regret is thinking about the chances you didn't take, the things that could've happened but didn't happen.

I keep rethinking the times I could've done something differently with you. Things I should've played out in my mind before I did. I should've taken risks for you and yet I didn't. No one wanted me to, no one told me not to but something was stopping me. I guess the idea that I would've lost you one way or the other scared me so much that I tried to play everything safe and yet I didn't. I could've been safer with us, I should've let you be the one to come to me, I should've given you space. I would do it all again just to see a different outcome because honestly, we are more than just two broken people.

We were just kids exploring but we got too attached, I got too attached. You didn't take the chances you could've taken either and now I have to live with this regret until there is something far worse to regret.

Everyday, I hear your keyboard clicking as you type, I hear you struggling to do your work and asking people around and I want to help you I really do. I want to step in and talk to you again but you act like you wouldn't want that. You act like as if I'm nothing to you anymore, you used to treat me like shit and I know you regret it. I can see it in your eyes sometimes that you regret it and that's okay because I regret not stopping you sooner. I regret shouting back at you when you got mad because now I realize that yelling didn't help and it made things so much worse. I regret shoving you when you shouted at me because now I know that violence is never the answer. I shouldn't have ever hurt you because maybe then you wouldn't have hurt me either.

And now I'm torn, regretting every argument and small conflict we ever had. Why? Because now I realise that it was stupid to even think that we could've done otherwise. I regret because now everything isn't even close to how I thought it would be. I regret because I am in love with you and you are in love with her and no one knows what they want anymore.

I know that deep down you still care but you've told too many lies to tell me you do. You've made many mistakes yourself to admit you were wrong. You regret saying all those things about me because now you know, now you realise, that you can't ever take them back. You know that you can't hope that I forget. and I regret ever letting you in my life because I saw, I saw that you'd hurt me. I saw that I'd do so many stupid things to try and get you back and I regret turning myself into a fool for you because you had never deserved it.

If only things would just go back to the way they were, before you fell for me. I wouldn't have to regret all these things, I wouldn't have any of this to regret or even to think about. You know if it wasn't for you I would probably be okay. I'd probably be enjoying myself with the friends I don't have and people I used to be friends with would still be there for me. But no, that's not how it is because now I'm stuck with the feeling of guilt and I'm left with the thought that I could've done things differently or that I could've gotten the person I needed instead of the person I wanted.

I wanted you and I shouldn't have, from the start you were wrong, and I was wrong. From the start you acted off about us and you'd keep us a secret and you would never be upfront about things between the two of us. I don't know how I could've fallen for you then. But what if I want to do it again? If you could do it all again would you? Maybe things could go differently and it would be better this time. Or maybe it wouldn't be.

But if I gave you the chance to do it again, would you be there to take it? I regret letting you go so easy and I know you regret not being sincere. I know you wished you could've talked things through or that you could've held me tighter for longer because now you don't remember what is was like to be held by someone who loved you for you.

Or maybe you don't.

I do. I occasionally wonder what you would do differently and what you did instead and it hurts, honestly it hurts a lot but I can't just tell you that because who are you to me and who am I to you if not just another person you pass by?

These thoughts have so many endings and every decision I make creates a new ending that could've been, a new reason to regret. Every single thing I do, I lose a chance to do something else. There is always that question; What if? What if I had done that instead of this. What if we had talked more, held longer, understood each other?

I don't know what I did wrong and that makes things hurt so much more because you won't tell me. I don't even know if I did anything wrong, I don't know what you're keeping from me. All I know is that there is something wrong and there are so many possibilities, I can't rule them out because you won't even talk to me.

I can't keep thinking like that, I can't keep hoping things might change. It all hurts in the end anyways. It all hurts unless I learn to accept it and stop thinking that I could somehow change the past. I know I can't change the past, but what if I could?

I wouldn't be regretting anymore, at least not this much. Or would I be regretting more? I guess the idea of bad outcomes results in regret because honestly if I were able to relive a day in my life where I had known you, I'm not sure I would change anything just because I know I still love you and you could possibly still possess feelings for me.

please don't let that change.