Just Okay

A little about me?

I don't like talking about my personality very much, I can talk about memories with no struggle because I remember a lot.

My name is S, sometimes Summer and other times Sam. I was born female but as I grew older, I never really fit in with the "girl" stereotypes. Once when I was about 6/7 I was playing with some guys at the park when one of them shouted at me and told me that girls can't play with them there since it was a "guys only" playground. My best friend said, and I remember, "Oh don't worry! It's just Summer, she's a guy stuck in a girl's body" and then everyone acted like it was okay and we just went along with it.

I grew up a bit and on October 18th, 2013, I came out to my parents as "Pansexual". See I thought that no one should really give a damn about what gender the person they were dating was as long as they loved each other, I never saw the problem in dating the same or opposite sex as long as they were happy with each other. I knew that I didn't care because by then, I had fallen for a quiet girl in my class that never spoke to me. Her name was Flo, she had hair to her lower back that was pin straight, the colour of ebony. Her eyes weren't big but they weren't too small and her lips were alright. What got me was her personality, she got along with everyone and she was open about being a feminist and not giving a damn about gender roles. She was the definition of open-mindedness. When I came out to my parents, I wrote them a long letter because I thought that they'd get mad at me and instead of giving it to them, I posted it on Instagram for everyone to see.

They weren't so happy when they found out, I should've just talked about it to them, I should've just said "Hey mum, dad, guess what? I'm not straight!" but I couldn't because that's a thing about me. I can never build up the courage to say serious things out of the blue. They got mad at me for not "thinking about them" and being "selfish" to tell everyone that I wasn't "normal". They basically called me a disappointment, well mum did. Dad was a little more open about it.

When we were in the car one day he asked me "So what's the deal? You like girls and boys, is that it?" people would always ask me this when I told them I was pansexual so I knew what I was going to say. I explained to him that gender and sex is different because sex is in your DNA and gender can alter from sex depending on how they think and their personalities, it's just a part of them that grows with them. I told him that it was much more than just liking girls and boys, it was liking girls, boys, everything in between, and neither. I called it the "I don't give a damn, I love you anyways" because I explained that sexuality is flexible if you're open-minded, I told him to imagine what if my mum one day says that she had always been uncomfortable in her body as a female and would prefer being a male, I asked him if he would stay or leave just because of something she admitted that was already there before she admitted. I asked him to tell me if that would change his love towards them or if he will still feel the same way.

He replied that he fell in love with her for who she is on the inside and not her physical appearance, so I asked him why it would be wrong for me to do the same but treat everyone equally with equal chances of me falling for any of them.

We never really talked about sexuality again because I started dating this guy that was a total ass to everyone. I went home one day and mum asked if I was out of my "phase" and if I had turned back to being straight again. I found that offensive so that's when I started saving up my money to go live on my own.

I looked for jobs and got a part time at a small toy shop in the mornings and as a babysitter at night in the city. I had that job for another few years till I was about 15 turning 16, that was a period of my life where I fell. I tried smoking and drinking and made myself hurl. It was a stupid year because I enjoyed drinking and so I got a job as a bartender at 16 and got a small apartment, the one I live in now.

It's a nice cozy little place with a bed just enough for two, two pillows and one extra pillow, a study table with a cabinet, a bathroom with a shower and a toilet, a small fridge, a small closet, a microwave, and my carpet from my room back at home. It wasn't a lot but it was enough.

I'm friends with the landlord and I pay her every three months for the next three month, for the past year. 1,350 pounds per three months and I'd always have just enough money, now my best friend pays 1/4th of it which is pretty decent since he lives here more than half the time and spares me money to buy food. I let him live with me because I know that he doesn't mind me and the confusing self I am.

I was about 16 when I started questioning my sexuality, I fell in love with a girl named Andrea and we dated for quite a while. It started off as an on and off relationship but turned into an unstable one. I thought that she might have been the one for me because I could never put my finger on whatever it was that made her so bad, until I had enough of the way she treated me that is. I told my parents that I was happy with her but since I didn't live with them anymore, they really didn't seem to care.

I started making friends with new people I usually wouldn't have because I thought it was time for a change. I even stupidly spoke about liking girls. They told me it was wrong and that I really shouldn't be liking girls, I couldn't care less about what they had to say really. That was until they said that I should just go look for other people to be friends with if I don't change my ways.

This made me worry so much that I decided to give dating guys a try a couple of months ago. I was miserable, even when he acted to nice and loving and kind towards me I felt miserable because I knew this wasn't what I wanted. I ended up accepting the fact that I wasn't going to label myself with any sexual orientation because it felt wrong to. I thought, why should I try and fit in when I could just be me? I accepted the fact that I shouldn't care what other people think, nor should I ever change myself.

Almost 4 years since coming out as Pansexual to my parents, I learnt that sexuality is much more complex than you think it is and the gender/sexuality should not determine the amount of respect you get from someone. I am now unlabeled in both sexuality and gender. I do this because I felt like everyone deserves a chance and everyone should be treated equally. Sexuality is fluid, and so am I.