Just Okay

How are you?

Honestly if they really meant to ask about me and what's been going on, I would be rambling about how the voices in my head are too loud at night, how the sleeping pills are starting to lose their effectiveness on me. I would talk about how Andrea seems to suck the life out of me or how I keep falling for straight women. I would talk about so many things but why don't we? Instead, why do we just say "I'm fine, thank you, and you?". Why do we do that instead of just admit that we're going through tough terms? Is it because we want to be polite? I really don't understand.

I mean when I ask someone how they're doing or what they're up to, I'm genuinely interested in their life and I want to spend a few minutes just listening to what they have to say about their day. Why do people think about how others will see them so much? Why do I care what others say about me.

I once dated this guy, I knew it would not really work out between the two of us but I thought that I would give it a try since all the people around me felt uneasy with the idea of me being who I was. I tried so hard and the harder I tried, the unhappier I became. I was so lost in making others feel comfortable that I forgot my happiness had even existed. I had gotten rid of the importance of making myself happy and comfortable on my own without other people's opinions on my validity towards society.

I spent hours everyday just thinking about scenarios where people would ask me about my sexuality or about my beliefs, I was so caught up in being their definition of 'perfect' that I lost the definition of me and what made me different. I changed the way I dressed because I thought checkered shirts and crop tops with boyfriend jeans made it less convincing if I tried to act straight.

I started doing my makeup as perfect as I could and tried wearing bikinis, I started buying expensive and tight fitted skirts and dresses instead of loose jeans and trousers. I completely changed myself for their 'better' and I was miserable. One day, I decided to speak up about it to my 'boyfriend' at that time.

"Hey, I really really can't do this" I whispered to him, looking down at the green ground of the campus park. "I know" He answered quite normally "I know you're gay." This shocked me and I stared at him, not knowing what to say, I stuttered "h-hhow?". 

He hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, "I know that you've tried dating guys before and you've never enjoyed it, I know that you miss the times you didn't have to fake it, Summer I know more than you tell me" he paused to look at me "and I know that you'll still love me as a best friend even though things are over with us." I was much less confused than I should've been. It took me a second to follow his voice and process the words before I answered, "why'd you stay if you knew?". He smiled at me and held my hand, "because I'd do anything for someone I love, even if I don't think it's the right choice."

That was the last time I had dated a guy. We stayed as best friends for the longest time ever, even though I was gay, we'd even occasionally have dates and sleepovers because that's just how we were. He kissed me once when I stared at him inches from his face, then he remembered I was gay. I watched him fall in love again.

I watched her push me away from him, he was the only person that understood me. I watched as she took my place in his life, I watched from a mile away because I was too afraid to say 'I miss you' or to think that he was happy now with her. Then I watched her take her distance, I watched him get torn to pieces when she told him she was seeing someone else, I saw him fall apart. 

So I went back into his life, we returned to the way we were. He was back to being my best friend just by saying "I should've never tried to replace you with her, she doesn't even know how to play Call Of Duty. I mean imagine what we were supposed to do?!" He laughed, and I laughed, and things were okay again.

People are weird. Why do we depend on other people to make us happy? We like to be the centre of attention and I'll admit that I definitely do too but not just any centre of attention, my best friend's. 

We like feeling special to someone, he made me feel special. We took each other out for tacos and Chinese food, horror movies, even just to go to the gym for half an hour and talk for the other half. I love him still because he's the closest thing to perfect, not in a cheesy way but he actually is. If anyone is going to understand you, it's him. If anyone is going to cheer you up, it's going to be him because he doesn't judge anyone and he is so understanding. Something about him just made you always feel welcomed, his voice was warm like a thick and soft duvet by the fireplace in a winter's night.

He's the only person I know, besides me, that asks how you're doing and actually means it and waits for you to send a long message explaining all the ups and downs throughout your day, all your emotions, all the people you met, whether or not you ate enough today, he means his questions about your life. He'll be your little ray of sunshine in a dark and stormy day.