Just Okay

Let's play pretend

As a child, I never wanted to grow up because I thought that older people used to fake themselves and they would never have fun because fun never existed in their life. I never wanted to grow up and become dull with all the life sucked out of me and replaced with responsibility I never asked for. I never wanted to become someone who had to pretend to be someone else yet here I am always pretending

I really didn't think that Girls and Guys were any different as a child and I would never care about who I hung out with because they would all be just as valid to me. I had friends of all ages who were girls and guys and I couldn't have cared less about their genders. They didn't care either, at least most of the times.

Other times, when I was little they saw me as a guy and they would let me play with them but the girls would push me away because I was "weird" and whatever they were playing was a girls only game. I decided to play pretend and be with the girls instead of the guys because, well, I wanted to fit in to their standards.

I fit in quite well for quite a long time until one of the guys said that they missed the old me, back when I was a 'boy'. The thing is, I never was a boy, nor did I accept the fact that I was a girl. I just decided that I didn't give a shit and just wanted to live life in a fun way.

That's kind of when I became reckless and uncontrollable, I'd never listen to what anyone had to say even if it was something that would help me. I started dating people for fun, getting tangled into an exchange of compliments and melding lips. 

I often fell for the wrong people and I would get hurt, lied to, tricked, but it wasn't like I thought things would ever be serious anyways. People are people and sometimes all we need is fun and nothing serious. I do it all the time, I do a lot of 'fun' stuff but i never really think about them seriously. 

I've fallen for many people that I thought fell for me too, something about the way they looked at me or spoke to me. Maybe it had been the attention they gave towards me but it was something that made me crave more and more of it but I could only get so little. I realized that they spoke to everyone that way and thought if they could do it then why couldn't I?

So I watched their ways. I switched between this girl to that guy to this guy to that other person and every single time I would notice one thing, they would never be the ones begging at your feet for you to stay. They treated everyone like they were above them and that they would just come crawling back for them and most of the times they did, but I never did.

I tried doing what they did. Just messing around the way they did. It was easier than I thought it would be to get people wanting more, I would just have to act as if I get a lot of it already and I made them feel special by somehow saying I picked them over another thing I had going on. I made them feel something by starting out just treating them as a friend and then slowly flirting with them and eventually just giving up the subtle and going for it.

This became my little game and I absolutely regret it now because of the many people I hurt during this selfish time. I made people believe that they meant something to me when they were really just a hook-up. I made people end up either loving me or hating me but I hated myself too much to care.

I hadn't thought about their feelings because I thought we were too young to know what we wanted, I thought they would never have actually fallen for me because everyone knew how much of a bad person I was. Everyone knew, or they thought, that this was the way I was, playing people for the sake of boredom. Just looking for a short bit of fun before I got bored and found someone else to have fun with.

I had to quit my little game and grow a bit of sense. I had to change and become more considerate. And so I did. I went from dating someone every 3 weeks to every 3 months, that was if I could find someone that could handle me.

That was like finding someone who could only see in black and white, almost entirely impossible. I thought I'd never understand the true meaning of love in my life, that was until I met Andrea of course. The girl I've talked about a million times. She taught me how to love properly but she also taught me how easy it was to see what a horrible person can do.

I accepted the fact that dating Andrea must have felt like dating me, not the me at that time but me back when I used to play my wicked dating game. I saw myself in her and it was most definitely not who I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't stay with someone that could lie to me and not even realize it ever. 

I couldn't be with someone who made me feel little and worthless. She taught me how to love a dead end but then he came along. He came along and taught me what it feels like to be really loved by someone who would do almost anything to cheer you up, he taught me that love is beautiful and that I was beautiful. He taught me to open my eyes and actually look out the window to see that it was a great day outside instead of close myself in a grey room with bad thoughts.

His eyes were the windows to a world with mostly good, he rarely saw the faults he couldn't fix. He was love and he still is to me.