Just Okay

You're only happy

You know it's been almost six months since I last over thought about you and I actually feel like I'm getting somewhere close to happy. I occasionally see pictures of you or overhear a conversation with your name but it doesn't bother me anymore. What bothers me is that you still talk shit about me, after all this time, after the space I've given you.

At least I'm too numb to feel all the pain again, sometimes, just sometimes I think that this is your way of coping. You know, hurting other people, making other people feel worse than you because we all know that hurt people hurt people because that's what they think is right and that is what you think is right.

A lot of people don't share the same ideas so I don't blame you for hurting people, it only means that you were once hurt too. I was hurt, I was hurt a lot and no one would believe me. I've gone through that already but I'll tell you why I act like I'm happy.

I love her, I really do but from a distance because she made her decisions. And loving can heal so I'm getting back on my feet and we had our closer. She wrote a letter and I kept it.

It read:

Summer,

This isn't gonna be some '500 days of Summer' shit so I'm just going to cut it here. We had our time, it just didn't work out. I know that you wanted it to work out between us but we're just not alike in any way. You're sweet and innocent and nice, I'm the kind of person that just can't settle down with someone. I'm young and I want to be wild and free so that's exactly how I'm going to live my life. Things will never happen again between us despite what you think and I need you to understand. We're never going to be the way we were.

Andrea

p.s. Please don't write or text or call me anymore, lose my number will you.

I don't know why I kept the letter or what I thought of it when I first read it but all it does now is remind me that if things are not working out then maybe it's just not meant to be. All I did was try and make things work by forcing two pieces of the puzzle that were just wrong in every way. I should have just abandoned everything before it detonated and started getting people hurt, by people I mean me. I got hurt but at least I got what I was looking for, the perfect reason to leave.

That was the closure I asked for and so that was the closure I got, written without a single note of softness. It's always hard to go through something like that with the one person you truly cared about and loved. Now that that's over I'm just going to have to wait till someone else walks into my life. It might be a while till someone surprises me and gets me curious, I'm not technically open with my choices.

One of the reasons I only have very few friends and people I care about is because no one really understands me. I'm a 17 year old who has anxiety and depression, I don't label myself anything, imagine how conversations would start and where they would lead to with that, people usually pity me. I don't understand pity, do people do it to make themselves feel better by pointing out that they're in a better situation or is to make other people feel worse by not being in a better situation? Whatever floats people's boats I guess?

I would not be happy with myself if I were to make others feel bad about themselves, especially if it was something they has little control over. It would make me feel like a horrible person to just completely tear someone down because why would that ever make someone happy? They could at least not say anything if they're just going to say something that makes us feel bad.

Me, I'm only happy when I don't have to worry about people liking me, I'm only happy when people are okay with me, but then again I'm only happy. I would not really care if people really devoted their time to making me feel bad about myself since that would take a lot of time and it would mean a lot that someone would do such thing, think about me that much. People are only happy when things are mostly about them or something that they're interested in. You don't want to listen to someone talk about their day and how they're doing, you want them to say they're fine and then ask you because that's what makes you happy.

People aren't really used to having someone like me around, by that I mean an activist with a different sexual orientation than most people they meet and also has different interest and ideas, I don't understand why differences make people so uncomfortable. It's so confusing because everyone is different in a lot of ways and there are no two people that are exactly the same in every way, people just like other people who fit their idea of normal or average, they want to know people who have similar interests in them or understand their way of thinking.

I, according to the way those people react to me, am not normal. I'm different and weird and somehow a threat to their well beings. Why does it bother people that I would prefer going out to a coffee shop alone than with others? Why does it bother people that I am not an emotionally stable person even though it doesn't harm them? Why does it bother people that I just prefer the company of open-minded people over people who just say "NO" to everything that goes against their way of thinking? Why am I such a threat that they have to make me feel bad for the way I live my life and the way I am?

People are only happy when everything is able to be explained because people fear what they can't explain and people fear me and people hurt me but I guess it's okay because are just happy and nothing more that way.