Just Okay

What is it like

What is it like to be happy with your life? Does anyone really know what it feels like to accomplish everything and stay satisfied with what they've got? I couldn't imagine how that would feel like, I think that we always want something and that it's so difficult to not want anything else. It's hard to feel satisfied with what you've got and where you are in life when you can still imagine that you could be living a better one.

Why is it that we always want something to make us happy? Why is it that we depend on other external things in our life to make us smile instead of just smiling for ourselves? My best friend is good at pretending that he's got everything he ever needs, sometimes he convinces me that he does.

I want to live the way that he does, satisfied with his life, appreciating everything he has and never asks for more. Sometimes I think it's not human like to not desire something, he always tells me I'm enough to keep him happy. He really does mean everything he says. I want to know how he stays out of trouble because I feel like that's all I am.

When I was younger, I used to ask everyone everything that never made sense to me.

"What is it like to be older?" I used to ask everyone. The number of responses I got was astonishing since none of them were the same. One would tell me that it's beautiful to have control over your own life and do the things you've always wanted to do, another would tell me that it's stressful and doing everything weighs you down, I've had people tell me that the most beautiful thing about growing up is raising a child of your own whether it's alone or with someone else because their happiness will become yours.

Another thing I used to ask is "what do you do when you're sad". I was only ten when I would ask all these questions to everyone I knew that was older than 20. They often hesitated with answering, probably because they thought I wouldn't understand. So I would tell them what I do when I'm sad first.

"I write when I'm sad, and sometimes I cry like mummy." I would pause to see their reaction. "Sometimes on mummy's brother's birthday, she cries. I don't remember him but mummy doesn't cry a lot because she's strong." The people I talk to would crouch down in front of me and say.

"Hey you know what I do when I get sad?" and some cry too, some write too, some even told me they eat a lot of ice cream, the one that suck most to me is when this lady said to me that she would think about the things that made her unhappy and write why they made her feel that way and then she would list down the things that made her happy, whether it was things she did or things she liked or ideas, she would write everything down.

So I tried it.

I wished I could say it made me feel better but, honestly, it didn't. The whole "think about things that made me happy" thing just didn't work out for me. I was too trapped inside my own mind filled with the dark thoughts and I just can't dig a hole to find the light. I have my best friend but he isn't really a light, he's a part of me, he became a part of my mind.

In a good way, he stuck there. He stayed with me in the most annoying and best way. He bought me pizza and ice cream when I was down, he went to the store when I got my period, he was the perfect best friend and I felt bad that I couldn't be who he wanted me to.

I felt bad that I couldn't love him more than I'd love a brother or a best friend. Yeah we're 17 turning 18 but sometimes it feels like we're still kids trying to figure ourselves out. I live alone in my small apartment but sometimes he comes over and stays. One night, we left the window open so we could look at the night sky as we lay down on the bed with our heads hanging off the side.

"What's it like?" He looked at me as I ask. "What's it like to fall in love?"

He flashed his assuring smile with no hesitation. "You tell me summer. I've watched you fall in and out of love more than you've watched me."

"No I mean, what's it like for you to really fall in love. Not that thing I do where I try to make things work and call it love." I look out the window and try to focus on the brightest star I saw.

"I guess it's like you get to enjoy your favorite ice cream for a long time, or like reading a book that just seems to get more and more interesting, or watching a tv series that you never want to end. I guess it's like getting lost in the details of a large painting, admiring every inch of it," he turned to his side and placed his hand softly caressing my cheek "I guess loving someone is not understanding them but it's more like" he paused and stared right into my eyes "it's like you never ever want it to end just because it makes you feel so good and happy inside." He kissed my forehead softly and smiled. "I love you"

"I love you too. Always" I close my eyes and smile. We fell asleep like that, the window opened and letting the cool breeze of the fall night brush against our sleeping bodies. It was a nice and peaceful night with the only thing lighting the room being the bright moon outside the window.

The next day I remember waking up and finding the space beside me empty and cold but he never just leaves like that because he wouldn't leave without a note. He left it on the study table.

"Occasionally I'd feel sad from reading a book or seeing a beautiful piece of art. I feel empty that sometimes life isn't always that pretty. I like getting lost in pictures, sceneries, or even images in my mind because we all need a little escaping from reality every now and then for a little while. But ever since you came into my life, I realized that life can be perceived as an artwork or book itself and when you're not around I get bored and start losing myself in some dystopian society and it makes me feel all weird and it drives me crazy. I didn't wake you up because I wanted to watch you sleep, I didn't wake up because I felt like you deserved to fly away from this reality just a little longer as I read one of your books. Brunch at my place if you want pancakes and bacon." He left it beside 'The Alchemist'.