Just Okay

Please don't fall in love with someone new

Why am I so afraid to lose you when you're not even mine? I mean it's as silly as it is to like someone so much that I don't want to lose them even though I don't even think they feel the same towards me. Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you because you were always there for me even when no one else seemed to support me.

Please don't fall in love with someone new; I promise one day I'll come back to you. I know that I love you, I know that you don't love me, I know that you love her. I can't keep hoping that you love me. So I started loving him and then you noticed me. Your glasses, framing your face perfectly as your brown eyes widened, maybe it was just me but your hair flawlessly fell over your shoulders.

You finally saw me after all this time I was trying to get your attention but none of that matters now because there you are, trying to tear me down again when I'm finding happiness in something other than your attention and the idea of your love. I'm finally in love with someone else and there you are, trying to get me back to the way I was before. The thing is, I can't help but admit that I enjoy your attention, even after all the shit you put me through, I still want you to turn around and want me. I still want you to care and to know that I am still thinking about you even when I'm with him.

That's what you do to me, you drive me absolutely crazy and you make me feel like I'm losing my mind when I know I'm not. I know that this is unhealthy, me wanting you back and you just keeping me around for so long because you like the fact that I need you. I don't want you to fall in love with someone new because my whole world falls into deep shit and it takes absolutely forever for me to get back up on my feet.

If only there was a way to get you to admit that you need me because, so far, I have nothing. I miss you, okay? I thought that he could take all these feelings away but it didn't work, it would have never worked out in the first place. I don't know why I had so much faith in moving on from you.

You play me like I'm an object, drive me to edge and not let me break, you hurt me but leave no trace, only for me to crawl right back at you. I don't want to seem crazy and obsessive so I keep my distance, I see you everyday but I say nothing. Sometimes, in the corner of my eye, I can just see that you're looking at me.

There was a time where you weren't afraid to show how much I meant to you, you used to brag about how you're lucky to have me and I want that part of you back, the one who cares about other people's feelings, the one who cares about my feelings at least.

You're giving me a million reasons to let you go. I could be out there now and looking for someone that would treat me better, I could take my mind off of you in no time. I could date other girls or boys and I know that they'll treat me better. All the things I could be doing, the list endless but I only need one good reason to stay.

I have a hundred million reasons to walk away but I just need one good one to stay and I'm hoping you'd see this. I'm only 17, I have a whole life ahead of me and the only thing keeping me here is the one good reason that I'm looking for.

It's so hard to be broken glass and feel worthy of love all at the same time. I'm not discarding you like broken glass because you're not. If I can't make you see that then I want you to find someone who will.

But. I just wished you'd let me show you how to fix things. Maybe I'll fall in love with someone new, maybe I'll fall for another you. Then I'll try my hardest to not think about you and about how hard it was to make you see what I was trying to do. I'm trying so hard to just dispose of the bad memories and just accept that I had good times and, like everything, it had it's time and it no longer is it's time. Maybe I'll try and help other young people understand that they can't dwell up on something no longer. Maybe I'll help them open their eyes to a new world where what they see are goods and rarely bads.

I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what I went through, the overthinking, the voices, the stressing. I know I'm not okay in many ways but as long as I'm fine in one, that's a reason for me to keep trying to be fine in all.

You don't need my protection, I know but I love you and I can't help but checking. So before I go, we need closure and we need to clear everything up and then it'll be my pleasure to leave you to it. We just need to clear everything up because you said you let it go, you kept it instead and I can't do that thing you do behind my back. I can't let you keep my things anymore. I need to build up the courage to ask you for my things back in exchange for your things.

Sometimes it's the uncertainty that eats us up and I just want everything to be cleared up and I want us to have closure so that I can finally say I've had enough and realize it's best to leave. So here I am, asking you if you're ready to set this all side. I'm here now to ask you if you really want to push this away and shut everything because if there's any part of you that thinks otherwise, I only need one good reason to stay over a million reasons to leave.

Honestly, I'm ready to step out the door right now but the thought of leaving you alone without anyone else to have you in their mind makes me feel bad. I miss you, I miss your long hair on my face when you lay on my chest, I miss your cute little nose, your soft thin lips. I missed the way you used to look at me when I made you happy.

I may miss it but I know I'm going to stop.