Just Okay

Under the Sun

We took a break from the cold and drove to Neptune's Garden one day, the smell of salt and fresh air used to always make me calm. It was a 3 hour drive from the apartment which wasn't too far and he had a break from school so that allowed us to take turns in driving there. I drove for most of the way until we were only about half an hour away. We could smell the ocean breeze from a mile. I don't know why but it felt like a good time to talk to him about what we've become.

"Hey you know I love you right?" I said it as calmly as I could. He looked at me for a few seconds and gave me a weak smile. "I know I'm confusing and I'm not a great person but can we just pretend that we are fine? Can't we just pretend for the day?"

"Look, just forget it Summer. We're going to the beach so just" he paused "shut up and enjoy the day while it lasts.

The feeling of the salty warm wind blew against my face as I rolled down the window of the old white beamer. The radio blaring out music that fit the mood as I felt the sun on my arm outside the window. The weather was just perfect, not too hot for it to be crowded but not too cold for it to be freezing. We got close to the beach and I heard the waves calmly come in the series of crashed against the shore. The ocean was to the right of us, a light blue green colour that was almost see through and just reflecting the sky. The road we were on was lined with coconut trees all the way to the shore.

For a moment we sat in silent as the car came to a stop, the both of us just looking right towards the ocean hearing for the soft collapsing of the waters against the small grains of sand on the shore. From where we were parked we could see three other cars and only five other people, almost empty.

'I've always loved the beach." I broke the silence and all he did was nod. I thought it would be good to get out of the car and take a dip in the empty waters. Maybe he had thought about things last night and maybe that was the reason he hasn't spoken much.I realized that something had changed but I wasn't sure what it was.

Maybe it had been something I did but I couldn't quite remember. This was when he just turned 17 and I was still 16. I remember how he wouldn't even look at me and how his answers were so brief and straightforward. I think it was one of the times he realized that I was never going to play the part in his life that he wanted me to.

I tried to brush it off and I guess he tried too. We had placed our beach towel on the sand so we would be able to sit down under the sun. I realized something that day, something about the way the waves would always come. It was like us. The way the shore just stayed there as the waves would always come and go but never stop. It reminded me that my best friend may have been taking distance from me but I knew that he would come around eventually.

I took my shorts off, leaving me in my swimsuit, and walked towards the water. I stood there for a moment, staring into the horizon, feeling the sand in between my toes.

"What are you waiting for? Let's have fun." He walked beside me and grabbed my hand to take me towards the waters. We laughed and smiled and splashed around. For hours we just forgot all of our problems and realized that this was no place to over think and to worry.

Before we realized, it was seven and the sun was starting to set. I jumped on his back and we watched as the sun sunk into the line at the end of the sea. I held him tightly and kissed his cheek. I thought, maybe this would work out, maybe since I was so comfortable around him it would be okay if I tried it out again. It had been years after all.

"you're not mad at me are you?" I whispered as the sky slowly turned purple, orange, and yellow with the sun just barely seen.

"I was mad at myself for forgetting you're not just someone I want, you're someone I need in my life." that was probably the nicest thing he had said to me that day.

It had gotten a bit dark so he brought me out of the water, still on his back, all the way to where we left our things.

It was the most fun I had had in years. If only that were the way we could do things now. I remember driving back thinking, when will be the next time we get to forget our problems and live like that again?

I thought maybe someday when I have my shit handled I could live the life I never got to live, peaceful and stress free. Maybe even be who I wanted to be without anyone telling me I wasn't someone they'd want to be friends with. I thought that maybe things would get better and better, I was only 16 with dreams of finally being enough for someone.

Dreams can change right? My dream used to be to live a peaceful life under the sun but now it's just to be myself without having to take shit from people for thinking about myself too much. I don't actually think about myself enough anymore, I'm just glad I still have my best friend in my life to remind me that the world is not always filled with bad people and that there are people that aren't too bad.