Skin & bones || Otto Wood

Chapter 3

*Jessica's pov*
I woke up in my bed shivering. I was always cold. Last night was a big blur. I quickly ran into the bathroom to weigh myself. I drunk a lot, I could've gained some weight. I looked at the scale and saw that I was 99 pounds. I gained two pounds. I'm such a fucking fat cow. I ate a lot yesterday, and I went out drinking. I just stood there and started crying. I'm such a fat ass. I went into my cabinet and brought out my special bag. Inside were all of my razors that I kept. I took one out and stared at it. This is what I get, this is what I deserve. My right thigh was completely covered from scars, so I moved onto my left.
"This is for eating all of that shitty food and drinking all night. You'll never be important. You'll always be a stupid, anorexic, bitch." I cried while cutting my thigh. I left about ten cuts on my thigh. The blood started running down my leg and onto the floor. I just watched it fall. I'll never be pretty, no one will ever love me. I got some towels and started cleaning up the blood. I then covered the cuts with band aids and went on with my day. I walked into my kitchen and opened my cabinet. On them were pictures of the most beautiful women. They were so skinny and perfect. There was also a picture of a really fat girl. I had a little caption under the picture.
~this is what you will be if you eat. You don't want food. Drink water or go work out you worthless bitch~
I turned around and went to my refrigerator to get a bottle of water. I then started working out for a couple of hours. . Little bits and pieces of what happened last night was coming back to me. I remembered leaving the bar, and some random guy trying to get me to hook up with him. I then started to remember three other guys. They were the ones who helped me out. I couldn't really remember what they looked like, or their names. I do remember that one of them were really cute, even though I don't remember what they look like. I just remembered the feeling of being in love with one of them. I couldn't be in love though. I don't know what love is anymore. And I'm pretty sure he wouldn't love me. I'm just a worthless piece of trash. I don't deserve anyone. I just sat in my couch and cried. Crying is something I do a lot. It's something I can only do correctly. I fuck up everything else in my life. I have no friends, my parents practically abandoned me, I constantly lose my jobs, and I can barely keep myself alive.I mean, I wouldn't really care if I died. I have nothing to live for, and no one would care. I look at my clock on my wall and saw that it was 1:37. I started getting really hungry, so I decided to just have an apple and green tea. This would only be about 95 calories, so I was good with that. I walked back to my kitchen and went to my fruit basket to get an apple. It turns out I had absolutely no fruit in there, so I had to go to the store. I didn't take a shower last night so I decided to take a shower before I go.This of course was kind of my worst time during the day, because I get to see what my body looks like. I turned on my water and waited for it to heat up. I then turned and looked in the mirror. I could see the cuts on my thighs, my bones, and just my worthless ugly body. I couldn't stand the sight of myself anymore, so I just got I. The shower. The water felt really good against my skin.after about 15 minutes, I got out and got dressed. It's pretty hot in Houston, so I just threw on some skinny jeans and a nirvana crop top and went out. I stopped wearing shorts because my cuts were visible. Everyone that sees me can tell that I have problem, but I don't really want people to know I cut. . I decided to drive to Walmart since it was only 15 minutes away. I walked into the store, grabbed a cart and went into the food area. So many people were staring at me. I heard some people talk about how unhealthy I was and how I needed to gain weight. They were just jealous that I was skinnier then them, so I just ignored them. I got grapes, apples, bananas, strawberries, and black berries. I also went and got some vegetables and bread.. I felt so fat buying all this food. I know it's healthy, but it's a lot. I was getting out of the frozen food isle when I heard a familiar voice.
"Get out of the cart Geoff, I can't push it with your fat ass in it. You will be kicked out of the band if you don't get off."
I turned around to find three guys together. One had blue hair and the other had brown hair. They all seemed familiar, but I couldn't remember . They all must of known that I was starring at them and they looked right at me.
"Hey, don't we know you? Oh yeah, you from the club last night. Jessica right?" The blue haired guy said while walking over to me. That's where I remembered them from. Everything was soon starting to come back to me.
"Oh, I remember you guys. It's nice to see you again. Um, I don't really remember your guys name tho, last night was pretty bad."
"Oh well I'm Awsten, the awesome one. The fat ass in the cart is Geoff, and the one with the beanie is Otto."
I looked at Otto and made eye contact with him. He was the one who I thought was really cute. It wasn't really a thought, it was true. He was very cute and he seemed so nice. But he wouldn't like me. He wouldn't like a girl who starves herself and cuts.
"So, how are you?" The guy who's name is Otto spoke out.
I wasn't good at all, and I'm pretty sure they could tell.
"Oh, I'm good. Just buying some fruits and veggies. How are you guys?"
"We are good. Just trying to buy some food, but it hard when you have a fat baby sitting in the cart." Awsten said while looking at Geoff. Geoff just looked at Awsten and stuck his tongue out at him.
"You guys are so childish." Otto said.
"Childish? Us? No way. You're the one being childish." Awsten said in a kids voice.
We all just laughed. And walked around the store together. We talked and joked around about a lot of stuff. For once, I was actually laughing and enjoying myself. They somehow made me happy. I learned that they were in a band called waterparks, and that they are working on their first full length album right now.
"Wow. I would've never thought that you guys were in a band. I totally have to listen to you guys."
"You should. We actually don't suck that bad." Geoff said.
After a couple more minutes of us just goofing off in Walmart, we finally went to the check out lane and paid for all our stuff.
"Well it was nice running into you again."
"Yeah, it was nice talking to you too."
I got to my car and loaded up my stuff. The boys offered to help, but I told them I got it.
"Wait before you go," Otto began. "I was maybe....wondering.. if you would like hanging out more. You seem like a really cool person."
He couldn't be talking about me. I'm nowhere near cool. I'm a complete mess.
"Um, sure, yeah, I would like that."
"Okay cool. Um, here's my number, call me whenever you want to hangout."
Otto told me his number and I put it in my phone. He then moved in closer and gave me a hug. It's been the longest since I've been hugged by someone. I wrapped my boney arms around him and hugged him back. The hug was nice and warm. It was like it was only us in the world. We both let go and said goodbye. I got in my car and drove home. I put all my groceries up and got my apple and made som green tea. I sat down and looked at some thinsporation. Looking at all these skinny girls made me feel bad about myself. I would never be as pretty as them. I spent about an hour looking at these pictures. While looking at the pictures, I started thinking about Otto. He thinks I'm a cool person. He would actually want to hangout with me again. No one usually wants to hangout with me. I always end up driving people away because of how crazy I am. He wouldn't want to hangout with me anymore after he sees the real me. I'm fat, ugly, and pathetic waste of air. Leaving this earth wouldn't be a bad thing. No one would know that I'm gone. I stopped myself from thinking too deep and started watching tv. Watching tv always took me out of deep thoughts, and made me hungry . I went in the kitchen and went into one of my pantries. I pulled out a granola bar and ate it. It was 167 calories. It was really good. I couldn't help but get another one, and another on, and another one. On top of the four granola bars I ate, I also found some chips, a muffin, 10 cookies, 3 brownies , and some peanuts. This is what happens when I binge. I eat one thing, and then I can't control myself. I sat on my couch in pain. My stomach was really bloated, and I felt like I had to throw up. I also couldn't even move. I managed to get myself off the couch and went to the bathroom. I took off my shirt and looked at my stomach. It was bigger than it was. I looked gross. I quickly went to the toilet and forced myself to throw up. After I was done, I pulled out my bag and got out my razor. I have to punish myself for the things I've done. I decided to cut myself for every food I ate. I ended up cutting myself 20 times. I ran out of room on my thighs, so I had to move onto my wrist. It hurt, but I deserved it. I cleaned everything up and went to my room. I felt really dizzy from throwing up and from the loss of blood. I laid down and went straight to sleep.