Skin & bones || Otto Wood

Chapter 18

"Tell miss Jessica, what do you see in that mirror?"

Today was my first day of therapy. She had me stand in front of a long mirror and look at myself. That question stuck with me for a couple of minutes. What do I see?

"Well, I see a girl."

"Okay. What do you notice about this girl? How can you describe this girl?"

"She's not very tall, only about 5'4. She has long blonde hair, and pretty blue eyes. "

"Is there anything else you want to add? How do you think this girl feels? What do you think she pictures herself as?"

I let out a huge sigh. I was stalling enough. It's time I say what I truly feel.

"I see a girl who is broken. She is beyond broken. No one was able to fix her, only except one person. That person loves her so much, but she pushes him away. She loves him to though, she is just scared to admit it. I see a girl who hates herself. She hates everything about herself. From her scars that lay on her thighs and arms, to the fat that lays beneath her skin. I see a girl who just wants life to go back the way it was."

It was silent for a moment, but the she started speaking.

"Do you want to know what I see Jessica?"

I nodded my head.

"I see a girl who has the mindset that she is no good. She puts herself down, and shuts everyone out because she thinks she is no good. In reality, this girl is smart, beautiful, and doesn't deserve what she put herself through . She wants what's best for everyone, but she doesn't know that she is the answer to that. But my words doesn't mean anything. What matters is what that girl thinks of herself."

"But I think so horribly about myself." I whined, sitting back on the couch.

"Well, you only think negatively about the outside. The inside is what is pure. Now, I want you to take these pictures and look at it."

She handed me two pictures. One was of the inside of a human body, and the other was a random picture of a really skinny girl. I wish I was as skinny as her.

"Tell me what you see in these pictures."

"The first one I see is a picture of the human body. You can see where the heart is located, where the lungs are, you pretty much see where every important thing for the body to function is. And the other picture is of a really skinny girl. She's so skinny, and perf-"

"Wrong, she's not perfect. Look at the expression on her face and tell me what you see."

"She's sad and hurt. She looks like she has given up."

"That's because she did. This was one of my patients two months ago. She had been taken over by anorexia for seven years. She was tired of fighting this year, and killed herself just last week. She still had a fighting chance to recover and get better, but she thought so bad of herself. She always brought herself down, she never believed that she could make it through and recover. But why end it? You have to be selfish to end it ?"

"How is it selfish to end everything?"

"It's selfish because she only thought about herself. She didn't think about how her friends, family, or even husband would feel. She just ended it because she didn't want to deal with the pain, that was only going to last for a little while. You wanted to end your life that night before you came here, even after all those times your boyfriend begged and pleaded for you not to. He did so many things that he didn't have to do, but he did it anyway. How do you think he would feel if you did kill yourself? What would his friends feel, your family?"

"Otto would be so heart broken. I don't even know what he will do. Awsten and Geoff would also be very upset too, but not as bad as Otto. My family wouldn't feel anything. They don't love me. They are the ones who kicked me out."

"How long has it been since you seen your family?"

I thought about that for awhile. The last time I saw my parents was when I was 16. Even then, I rarely talked to them.

"I haven't seen my family in 7 years."

"And why is that?"

"Because they threw me out. They pushed me away. Why would I want to see them, when they obviously don't want to see me?"

"They didn't push you away Jessica. They had a set of rules, and you didn't follow them. You had to face a set of consequences . They promise you so dearly. They miss their daughter. You need to go back and visit them. Repair your relationship and work things out."

"I guess you're right. I haven't seen them in forever."

"Now back to the whole "what do you see in yourself thing". All that matters is what's inside, not out. You focus on all of the things outside of your body. Yeah, you said you were broken, but you said only one person can truly fix you. Let that person into your life. Let that person fix you. Don't let the horrible thoughts that anorexia and depression laid into your brain. You are much stronger than those thoughts. Who do you think will win? A figment of your imagination, or you, a person who is capable of doing anything?"

"Me, I'm stronger."

"That's the spirit. Now I'm going to go know, but I want you to think long and hard about everything I said. For now, we will be having therapy sessions every week. Once you get out, we will move it to every other week. Once I seen that you have progressed, we will move it to every month."

I nod my head in Agee and watched her pick up all her stuff.

"I'll see you next week Jessica."

"I'll see you then."

With that, she closed my door and left.