My Random Crap

Hi

Do you ever get in a slump?

Where you're there, existing, but not really.

I know I exist, and I know I'm here. But I'm not here.

I feel numb lately, like the world is moving around me and I remain frozen in my own time.

There are short times where I'm happy and excited for those around me. I'll laugh when something funny happens. But I remain emotionless.

Sometimes I feel like a walking irony. I'm a pessimist but when someone I love is down, I will point out any bright thing to try and cheer them up. But I can never find the light in my own situations. My whole life always revolved around me trying to break cliches. I hated hearing dumb blonde jokes, so I became a straight A student. I was short so I made myself intimidating to people who dared to make fun of me for my height. I hated everything so I tried to be the opposite of what the world wanted from me.

I've been in one of those states where nothing feels right. My friends don't feel like they're on the same page as me, my family is always either ignoring me completely or yelling at me for ridiculous reasons. My writing feels empty, and overall, everything just feels like nothing.

I can try and fake it for some, but I just can't be myself. I'm not entirely sure what it is.

There's many things that go through my head, trying to find a solution or a reason for how I'm feeling, but it always comes to nothing.

It could be relationship issues.

It could be family issues.

It could be overall just personal.

But I feel numb.

I've tried my normal remedies; music, YouTube, friends, video games, Netflix. But nothing seems to work. I lack motivation to do things and all I do is stare at the ceiling and get lost in thought.

I thought if I slept, I'd be out of my slump. But it's been a few days, and I have to force myself to get out of bed now to do anything.

I could just be getting a wave of depression, but over what, I wouldn't know.

I do have moments where I do laugh and smile, and it's usually when I talk to my friends, but once the conversation ends, I feel empty again.

I know I complain a lot, but writing this is a lot more productive than staring into nothing, waiting for time to pass.

Maybe I just need school again. I go back in a few days. But even there i would have to see some people that I'm happy staying away from.

It's come to a point where I want a meltdown. I want to feel something, even if it's pain. Even if it's frustrated tears making me feel sick to my stomach, even if it's pathetic muffled sobs, even if it's just heavy breathing and me mumbling to myself. I'm at the point where I need to feel something other than....nothing.

I'm almost not sure I want to post this, because I hate to burden any of you with my problems. But screw it, maybe guilt will come.

I dunno, thought I'd kill some time writing this. Ten minutes down, only the rest of the day to go. I love you all devils, bye.