Angel with a shotgun (Larry Stylinson) ON HOLD

Chapter 16

July 2010

I'm on bed rest since a day or two because of my treatments. Chemotherapy is killing me interrorly even if the doctors said opposite. I can barely walk on my own or even go to the bathroom. I can't tolerate most food - I trow up shortly after ingurging it - and as always, I am always tired- no, scratch that. I am not tired but exhausted. Have you tried sleeping, you may asks? Of course I did. It's the only think I can do since I go diagnosticed. Okay, I may have exaggerate a little bit but not much, I swear. A simple journey to the bathroom is enough to kill all of my energy. Dr Wilden said it was alright and that the treatment was working but I can't believe him. I'm in so much pain and I'm feeling so terrible. 

Mum and Marc had planned to take us to Disneyland for the summer break but with my condition, the plans got soon cancelled. My sisters were all mad, of course. They all wanted to go since so long and now that we had the money to do this trip, I get sick and all the money goes to me- well, to my treatments. Daisy and Phoebe stopped talking to me for half a week and as for Charlotte and Felicity, they are still mad and refuse in any case to talk to me. They calls me the 'dream breaker'. At first I found it funny but it's starting to hurt at some point. They are young and don't understand the impact words can have. 

''Hey, Honey,'' said my mum, carrying a plate in her hands. ''I brought you dinner.'' 

''I'm not hungry,'' I replied, turning on my side and pulling the blanket to my chin. 

She signed and sat on the side of my bed, careful to not crush any of my bones or hurt me more that I already am. ''You have to eat. I know it's hard but you can do it, I know.''

''I'm not hungry, mum. I'm tired of trowing up,'' I quietly told her. 

''I feel you. When I was pregnant, I was trowing up every morning during three quarter of the pregnancy, it was annoying.''

''This is different.''

She frowned. ''How so?'' she asked, brushing so hair off my forehead.

''Being pregnant is something you wanted. Something who will give you a beautiful baby in the end. You're not suffering for nothing.'' I paused. ''I  am ill, mum. I dind't want that leukemia. I didn't ask for it but I'm stuck with it whether I like it or not. Leukemia doesn't bring any good things, just bads. This will kill me in the end, not your pregnancy.'' 

She stayed silent for a moment before I break the ice. ''Now, I'd like to rest and watch a film. Alone.''

She nod and left my room, taking the place of food with her. I put in A walk to remember. Cliché you may say? I know. It's a film about a girl being sick with leukemia, like me.  

September 2010 

  Uni starts today. It's my first day and weirdly enough, I am not nervous in the slightest. It's the opposite; I am very excited. Here, I can start with a blank page without no one knowing me and my past - except for my friends. Here, I can have a life without being seen as the weak and ill one. Here, I can pass in front of people without getting weird glare or pity stare. I can be me. 

I chose a writing program since acting was completely out of possibility for me. I wish I could've pick acting and drama but with all those frequent appointments at the doctor's, I would've miss a lot of classes and would've failed the program. Writing wasn't my first choice but in the past year, I've become quite good with writing and words in general. My mum said I became a walking dictionary. All of this sudden improvement in writing is due to my forced rest and constant inability to do anything else that sitting on the couch or sleeping this whole summer. While I wasn't able do do anything, I decided to read and even write to help me pass time. I was mostly home alone so I was getting bored quickly.