Excerpt From The Book I Poured My Heart On

All We'll Ever Be (#14)

We are the tears at the hem of our shirt hinting the ugly pain we cried.
We are the half-filled and half-empty glass of water that once completed each other.
We are the unspoken birthday wishes, waiting to be fulfilled.
We are the sworn promises, begging to be kept.
We are each other's favorite chapter, folded and bookmarked.

I know I said I'll always be by your side. I know I said I will be there for your happiness. I know I promised to stay. Don't worry, I will still be there. I won't go anywhere. I won't try to escape reality. I just want to take a minute and think about myself. I just need a breather. I just need a pen and a paper and I promise, after this, I will still be cheering for your happiness.

I goddamn hate myself for sucking this up, for being scared to risk for something great and for all the stupid reasons I caged myself. I'll tell you something painful, it was torture seeing you slip away from me when all we ever were was beside each other.

I tried to stare into your eyes. I tried to hold your hand the way I always did. I tried to listen to your laughter. I tried to understand the songs you hum. I tried but how do I tell you the exact thing I felt?
How do i put to words how I felt when I realized I was no longer the glow in your eyes?
How do I put to words how I felt when I realized that my fingers were no longer the ones you adored to intertwine with?
How do I put to words the way I felt when your laughter sounded like her name?
How do I put to words how it felt when I realized how your favorite song described the both of you?

I know I said I am happy as long as you are, but how do I tell you I am not?
I know I promised to be there when you kiss her "I do", but how do I tell you I want out?
I know I agreed to be the best godmother, but how do I tell you I can't?

How do I tell you that I expected us to end together?

You are my almost on every what if.
You are the alcohol in every scar.
You are the space in my heart I will never vacate.

And maybe... that's all we'll ever be—a could have been.