Alone (#10)

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by rndmsmmrflng

by rndmsmmrflng

Alone.

I'm surrounded with people I am associated for years now, but I still feel completely alone.

I have laughed, smiled, exchanged both pleasantries and insults with the people I have been hanging out for years now, but still i feel undeniably left out.

I have shared some contents of my life with them---more than enough to be their friend. I already sang my favorite songs with my ugliest voice. I have countless stolen pictures showing the wackiest and craziest side of me. I already cried all the heartbreaks i had been through. I let them in my life ditching the freight of seeing them leave sooner and also welcomed them every damn time they return from the loss of our connection. I have... probably lend all the parts of me when they needed it.

When they needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. I willingly offered more than just that.

When they feel like no one's listening to them or the Earth is being stubborn to engage them in such terrible fate, i was there. I sat beside them and opened the ears they needed.

When they feel so empty and lifeless, i was there. I gave them the hope and encouragement they needed even if I have to lose mine in return.

When they feel so cold, I was there. I embraced them, tightly, making sure they feel wanted and warm enough to live even if it means turning pale.

When they feel so burdened, I was there. I lifted some of their baggage so they can never feel alone with their fight.

I was there and I hope they can still remember.

But why? Why do I feel so left out despite everything we've been through? I feel like no one really understood me---no one tried to understand me. I feel like no one wants to be with me. Nobody wants to stay with me until we're gray and old. No one wants to know me deeper than what I appear to be. Nobody... no one ever made me feel belonged.

Sometimes i get jealous when one can tag their closest friend. I envy them because honestly, I want to have that one friend who can listen to me and who knows all the shits I've been through. I want a friend who genuinely wants me to stay in her life. I want a friend who would promise me to be each other's brides maid and our little kid's greatest godmother and each other's travel buddy. I want a friend who can look through my eyes and understands the pain I have been carrying.

I don't want to be surrounded and still feel alone.

I don't want to be laughing, smiling and exchanging fake and empty words and yet, still feels alone.

I don't want to be included.

I want to be understood.

I want to be cared.

I want to feel accepted and genuine.

I simply want to be loved... in it's truest form.

Photo by: Sasha Kalis