Excerpt From The Book I Poured My Heart On

The Demons I Can't Free (#16)

You make me want to age when all I wished was to stay young.
You make me want to commit when all I have were fears of broken vows and burdens of a ring.
You make me want to cry when all i ever did my entire life was to build the greatest wall no one can ever destroy.

You make me love every bit of my fragmented soul and i hate you. I hate you for teaching me things I avoided to touch. And i hate you more for making me feel emotions that were engraved on my skin not for me to feel but for me to fear. But I hate you most for the warmest embrace you gave me. For the sweetest kiss and the sensations it sent me. For every trail of your touch and the places it brought me. For the care you've shown on my fragile psyche. I hate you most for the disappointment you showed me.

I expected so much from you. I expected you to leave as fast as your entrance. You came in the way the thunder strikes its prey, fast and unexpected, wearing that smug grin and sunny face. You were the color I hated seeing, too bright, too opposite for my liking--but then again, I never really learned to like someone. I never let myself shed an attraction or a bit of attachment for temporary characters in this wide and depressing game called life. You came and I want you to leave.

Don't I?

Y-yes. Yes I do want you to leave.

Or maybe not.

Or maybe I finally found the exact reason I am always searching for me to stay. Maybe I finally found that one best reason to let my guards down, to let a spray of color in this plain canvass, to turn off the cold switch and cuddle the warmness, to be kissed on my forehead and feel assured, to love the grey hairs growing on me, to put on a ring---maybe I finally found the best reason for me to love myself.

I finally found you.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared of the love I never had. It appears surreal for me--too much, too overwhelming, too warm, to good to be true and I'm afraid. I'm afraid what if I indulge more than just the cuddles and spend every night of my life with you? What if one day I wake up and you're nowhere beside me? What if I am not worth the trouble after all?

I finally found you.

But I'm afraid.

Of the greatest what if I can never learn to risk.

What if, after you...

I'll never love again?