Lesson never learned

The question

Thursday Night.

I'm sure everyone has felt that life isn't worth living for and suicidal thoughts are on their mind most of the time. Is it bad that I can't stop those thoughts? They always seem to linger no matter how much sex and love i get, I'm starting to think maybe i need to re-think my life's priorities. 

I never replied to Cameron's last text, My pride took over. I wasn't going to beg for someone that doesn't want me. I've always been to prideful to beg for a relationship, if they want to leave I let them. Sometimes i wonder if guys are like girls in a way, maybe they want us to fight for them, like they fight for us.  I wouldn't consider asking a guy about it, they wouldn't tell the truth. 

Once again I laid on my bed, thinking about my life. Re-thinking everything. I wasn't happy, what would make me happy? All i want is happiness. Being without the love of your life is lonely and numb. I gasped as i realized something terrible about myself. How can i say Cameron is the love of my life, when i can go around fucking other men. LIKE IT'S NOTHING, LIKE THAT'S WHAT A TAKEN GIRL SHOULD BE DOING.

I DON'T LOVE HIM.... 

I hit my pillow, trying not to punch myself. Guilt is a horrible feeling. Even though i lost my boyfriend all i could think about is who to fuck next. Call me a whore if you will. Pretty sure this is how a whore thinks. I allowed myself to wallow in my self pity for most of the day.   I was numb to any pain, All i wanted was for Cameron to come back. I haven't cried for a while, I'm becoming the cold hearted bitch.

.....

2 am rolled around and i have yet to stop staring at the ceiling fan, listening to my thoughts. A pounding at the door made my heart jump out off my chest. I jumped to my feet and my hands shook. My nerves shot, i shook my way to the door. As i opened the door i was greeted by a tired Cameron. He looked at me with sad eyes and searched my face for emotion. I glared at him and my eyes were cold, My face showed no emotion. 

"What do you want?" I finally said in a irritated tone. I crossed my arms and leaned against the door frame as i waited for his answer. 

"May, I'm sorry i had to do this to you...." He said. 

I tapped my foot waiting for him to continue his sentence, nothing. That weirdo just kept fucking staring at me. Fuck that dude. He chuckled lightly as he saw me getting impatient.

That motherfucker got on one knee and took out a box. My motherfuckin mouth dropped to my feet. My eyes would've popped out of my sockets if i didn't cover my eyes. I held my face and took a long drawn out breath.   

"I know you're so confused right now. When I send that text I meant I wanted to be your husband instead. I'm sorry I scared you. May, I love you and I will never stop. Please say 'Yes' and make me the happiest man in the entire world. I know i'm being cheesy and I know you hate cheesy but don't get too mad. Will you marry me?" He said sounding rushed and out of breath.

I took a step back feeling so lightheaded, I didn't know what to say. My body is in such shock, My brain's files are flying all over the place. I wanted to marry him, but do i really want commitment? Whores don't commit. 

I jumped as i seen him getting impatient. I shook my head yes, as i couldn't find my voice. He got up and slid the 18 caret ring on my finger. He kissed me passionately. He pull away and looked at me. His eyes sparkled and he had the biggest smile. I gave him a little smile and I moved to the side to let him in. I closed the door and sat on the couch. My legs still shook and my heart rate had yet to slow. He sat beside me, admiring me. 

I HAD THE WORLD, BUT I DON'T DESERVE IT. KARMA IS COMING FOR ME...