Imperfect Perfection (Sequel to The Light in the Dark)

Beautiful Painting

When I emerged out of the bathroom for lunch I'm sure I looked horrible. I'd washed my face of over and over without shedding A tear.

I just kept thinking about Tyler, probably eating his orange slices now. He never really ate them, but he would just drain the juice from them. The thought of it makes me laugh right now even.

"Feeling any better?" Zach asks. I walk over to him and lay my head on his chest. The gentle thud of his heart has given me comfort before and still does now.

Feeling better? Eh. Not exactly. If anything the fact has just dawned on me more every second that ticks by.

I hadn't cried. It doesn't make me feel proud or anything, but it makes me feel like a coward. Like I'm hiding from a simple fact.

So you figure I could keep it together till I was alone again or when Zach and Tyler were asleep, right? No I just couldn't. I let myself cry quietly.

"We are going to be fine. Everything's going to be perfect." How can it though? "It doesn't matter what's wrong with the painting but if you just look at it long enough, you can find the beauty in it."

I don't say anything once again when I should've told him how much he meant to me.

I wrap my arms around him and turn my head a little, so I can feel the tear stains on his shirt.

"Do you want to eat?" Zach whispers close to my ear. "You can sleep instead if you want."

"I'll eat something. I'm hungry." I say quietly smiling for no reason. Zach laughs and kisses my forehead.

"I love you." He tells me and I believed him.

•••

Zach was already asleep, turned away from me. I had my eyes closed so I didn't cry too much.

You never think it would happen until it does. And it hasn't even happened yet. What do I know about autism? How am I supposed to raise a child that has autism without any knowledge of her disease?

I swore to myself right then I would research it tomorrow and learn everything I could possible learn.

•••

She was coming. Faster than anything could ever happen. But it was like I was looking at myself through another's eyes.

I screamed louder than ever, but I never felt any pain. I heard my screams and the doctors talking but I couldn't hear my baby crying.

They took her away only to come back saying her lungs weren't fully developed. There was no way she could've survived.

"Mommy?" Tyler whispers and shakes my arm in the dim light of my room. I was shooken for a moment before I realized it was a dream.

"Yes darling?" I ask sitting up a little.

"I had a nightmare." He whispers his voice cracking a little. I smile sadly. I was glad he'd come in here. Maybe it was meant to comfort him but it would comfort me more.

"Here." I scoot closer to Zach's back and give him room to crawl into bed with us.

"Thank you." He whispers and crawls up me. He hugs up to my chest with his head in the curve of my neck. "I love you mommy."

I smile inwardly and kiss his hair. "I love you too."

When I was the closest to being asleep then I was all night, I felt a little shake on my arm again.

"You okay Tyler?" I ask sleepily.

"Can I be in the middle?" He whispers. I laugh and sigh about the same time.

"Yeah sure." He crawls over me and I turn to face him. Tyler cuddles back up to me and is soon asleep with small snores escaping him.

I close my eyes and hope it is just as easy for me to fall asleep.

Turns out it was and I woke up to the light shining in through the window.

Zach wasn't in the bed anymore and neither was Tyler. I sit up and check my phone. 10:56. I had no notifications because all my social medias had the notifications turned off.

I stand up still wobbly on my feet and walk into the bathroom. My eyes were red and my hair was messy. I pulled back my hair without brushing it and threw water up into my face.

I don't know why people did it, it never woke me up or made me look any better. It just got water all over my face. Maybe it was having to walk over to the closet to get a towel was the point.

I blink a few times and wipe my face off. I stand up and walk into the kitchen. Tyler was sitting at the table eating pancakes that were precut by Zach I'm sure.

"Good morning." Zach says noticing me.

"Morning." I say rubbing my eyes trying to adjust to the lights.

"Good morning mommy." Tyler says turning to me with syrup around his mouth

"Good morning Tyler." I say smiling and ruffling his hair as I walk past him.

"Do you want pancakes?" Zach asks me.

"That's fine." I nod. "What're we doing today?" It was Saturday and we had nothing going on as far as I could remember.

"I was thinking we could go to the park? Kacy might bring her kids. I called and asked." Zach says moving pancakes from a pan onto a plate.

"Sounds great." I smile and sit beside Zach. I could talk to Kacy then. Explain what I hadn't already