Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die! Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.
After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He's been crying the whole way home. Isn't he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn't our Frankie."
At a disco: He: "Wow, what's a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?" She: "I had to fart."
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."
A man to a psychiatrist: "How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?" The psychiatrist replies: "We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub." The man smiles: "Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket." The Psychiatrist replies: "No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?"
Come on, I made you breakfast in bed, what I should be hearing is a simple 'Thank you,' not all this 'How did you get into my house?' nonsense!
Mr. Meyer: "Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?" Doctor: "Yes, what's the matter?" Mr. Meyer: "I would like to use it but I can't open the bottle!"
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
