A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner. Thhe French husband says to his wife "pass the honey, honey." The Italian man says to his wife "Pass the sugar, sweety." The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife "pass the bacon you fat fucking pig".
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get beer for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off." The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be four dollars." The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog. "You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!" They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!" "You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"
A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?" The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite. "Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak nad baked potato?" The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it. "Tastes like steak," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. "Wow, POTATO!" The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!" The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!" The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any Nectarines? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of Nectarines, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the Nectarines are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of Nectarines, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the Nectarines, I need some Nectarines right now!" The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your Nectarines from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in Nectarines. " She replies "There is no Fuck in Nectarines?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
Three girls named Marie, Alexis and Taylor were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Marie remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Alexis walk to the farm, leaving Taylor guarding the car. When Marie and Alexis get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Marie grabs a turnip, and Alexis grabs a single strawberry. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Taylor walks in. He tells Taylor to do the same as they just did, and Taylor heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Marie and Alexis to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Marie laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Alexis laughs and she gets killed too. So they are floating out of their bodies, and Alexis asks Marie why she died. Marie said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Marie then asked Alexis why she laughed, Alexis said: "I saw Taylor coming around the corner with a pineapple!
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "
