Crazy

#11

02/10/2017

I told her about Dennise today.

While I have never missed a day of texting or trying to call Dennise since we broke up, I realized how that doesn't seem much at all. It didn't seem like I was trying to get her back at all.

I felt so guilty about it all especially the emotions I've been feeling for Mika. I felt guilty that I've been spending too much time with her. That I've been feeling happy when I was with her. That I've had several interactions with her that were definitely more than friendly to the eyes of others. More than friendly even to me.

And in my attempt to stop my traitorous brain and heart from developing even deeper feelings for Mika, I invited her to my unit and I talked about Dennise and my relationship with her.

I talked about how Dennise and I met and our time in Palarong Pambansa; how I've always found her pretty; how we both got into Ateneo and became roommates; how we couldn't help but fall in love; and how we hid our relationship but made it work. Until it didn't anymore.

And while doing so, I realized how my love for Dennise hasn't diminished at all. Along with it was the crippling pain Dennise left behind.

Mika listened. Mika wiped my tears away. Mika made me lay my head on her shoulder as we sat side by side on my sofa. Mika took some of my pain away.

"Naiintindihan mo na ba kung bakit siya nakipaghiwalay sayo?" Mika asked when I've calmed down.

"Dahil pagod na siyang magtago. That's what she said."

"She wants you to be proud of what you have."

"I am. God, I am! It's not just the best time for us!" I argued.

"Then when will it be the best time for you?"

I froze. That was the same question Dennise asked me. And until now I didn't have an answer to it so I kept my mouth shut.

"Time is limited. Don't take it for granted."

I leaned back and met her gaze. She seemed in pain.

"Anong plano mong gawin?" she asked me.

"I'm gonna get her back," I said with determination.

My heart clenched when Mika avoided my gaze after that. I felt like I said something I shouldn't have said. But it was what needed to be done.

"Ready ka na bang ibigay ang gusto niya? Kaya mo na bang ipagsigawan ang kayo kapag tinanggap ka ulit niya?"

That shut me up again.

I don't know. I was scared of the world's judgment.

"I'll cross that bridge when I get there," I said instead.

"May mga bagay na dapat pinag-iisipan ng mas maaga and this is one of those." Mika stood up. "Alis na rin ako para makapag-isip ka."