Resolution

Fifteen : Saffron

Fifteen : Saffron

I knew I should've been honest. I knew I couldn't keep such a big secret hidden and get away with it. Not in this world anyway. 

When I saw that Harry had been placed next to Alexa Chung, I was nervous. Nervous because Alexa was a good family friend of ours and she could've told him anything. And I guess she told him the most important things because he knew everything, even stuff I didn't like to admit to myself.

Like the fact I was supposed to take over the company – given that it wouldn't have been until I was much older – but still, I was supposed to. I never admitted that myself, I always said I didn't want Mum's legacy hanging over me when in actual fact, I didn't want her legacy altogether. 

I didn't want to run a company and even if I were to do it, I would run it as a designer, not a businesswomen. I wanted to design, not be stuck in an office all day while others created the ideas. I wanted to design what I liked, I didn't want my main work to be tartan like the Burberry trademark.

And my mother knew that, and even though she still wanted me to work in Burberry, she accepted the fact it probably wasn't going to happen. We never discussed it but deep down I think she knew. 

When Harry confronted me, he looked broken and that shattered absolutely everything inside of me. I'd hurt him and we both knew it was hard to come back from that with his past experiences. My secret wasn't hurtful, it was the fact I kept it from him. In a world like his, secrets like that could change everything. And he and I both knew it wasn't something I should've kept to myself.

When he walked away from me after that Calvin Klein show, when he didn't come to my hotel like we planned and when he didn't answer my texts, I knew it was all over. I knew I'd screwed up and my knowledge over that tore me a part. 

Because before Harry came, back in Paris, I was like a robot – barely capable of feeling anything. I had up a facade of fake emotion. But then he came and it was like the dark clouds covering the sun had disappeared. All of a sudden, being with Harry made me feel again. Being with him had made me feel alive and all the emotion I felt wasn't just a mask, it was all real.

But now he was no longer in my life and it didn't take long to fall back into old habits.   

It had been over a week since that dreaded day and I was keeping myself busy, refusing to let thoughts of Harry seep into my mind. And by keeping myself busy, I mean working through the whole day and well into the night. I was helping Barbara prep the magazine, organising things for the London Fashion Week and when I was done with that for the day, and thoughts of Harry came floating back, I started planning things for my store.

It was a late Tuesday night, a few days after NY Fashion week, when I lay awake in my bed. I felt horrible and I just needed to escape my thoughts so making a split decision, I left the house and drove to the empty space my dad had bought for me.

It was everything I imagined – with a large floor space, a big window display area and a nice back room. I sat on the ground in the middle of the empty room and imagined how my boutique would look. I let my mind wander as imagined the racks of clothes, the dressed mannequins and the customers flitting about. And then an hour later, when I was too tired to even remotely acknowledge thoughts of Harry, I drove home and went to sleep.

And then each day after that, I went back in the middle of the night with my sketchpad and pencil case and sat in the middle of the floor making plans. I didn’t tell anyone, especially not dad. The only person I told was Sophie, wondering if she was still serious about her offers as being my business partner. Other than her, I kept my plans a secret.