Resolution

Sixteen : Harry

Sixteen: Harry

It killed me seeing her in London because I wanted so much to just go over and talk to her. I wasn’t too good with hating someone – I didn’t hate anyone to be honest – but I wasn’t good with secrets and I wasn’t good with dealing with pain either. I tried to act like I was okay but I think the boys saw right through it. I’d been hurt. Again.

When I came home from New York, I told them what had happened and I tried to put up a strong front. I tried to have some dignity, to avoid the 'I told you so' looks. I tried to remain indifferent but I'm a singer, not an actor and they saw right through it.

And I thought the I told you so looks would hurt the most, or Zayn's glares or Liam's disappointment. But it wasn't any of that, it was the fact Zayn muttered under his breath, "And I was just starting to like the girl."

It was as if I'd been punched in the gut. They weren't angry, not at me and not at Saffron, they just seemed sad ... as if they truly were hoping this one would work. And I felt bad, as if I'd let them all down, as if this was going to be my first stable relationship and they could stop worrying about me. But I was the baby of the group and they were always going to worry about me.

And I hated it. And I hated the fact Saffron made me feel strong. She was so hard headed and treated me as an equal that I never felt babied with her. She made me feel better.

But most of all, I hated the fact I couldn't hate her, I couldn't delete her from my mind. And no matter how hard I tried, she surfaced in my thoughts all the time -- in the dessert I ate at restaurants, in our Comic Relief song, in black clothing. Even the simplest of things set me off and it was enough to make me feel weak in the knees. Or weak in general.

I thought getting away to London for the week would be a good thing. I was wrong. I forgot Saffron was going to be there and seeing her everywhere was like a punch to the gut. She looked at me with that steely expression – the same one from when I first met her – and it made me feel like we were strangers. And maybe we were, because it turned out I didn't know as much about her as I originally thought. 

I was glad to be jetting off to Cheshire to see my family. But they noticed I was feeling blue almost immediately. Then I ended up spilling everything to them. That night, my mum made my favourite dinner and gave me advice on everything. Even my sister was her less sarcastic self. 

+   +   +   +

I didn't want to go to the Burberry after-party, not when I knew Saffron was going to be there. Seriously, out of all my model friends, she knew Cara and Alexa the best? Talk about kicking me while I'm down.

I sat down at a table at the after-party for a full hour before I was over it. Saffron, as usual, looked sexy wearing black. And standing with Cara, downing a shot of vodka, she didn't look so normal anymore. She looked like she belonged in this world. I don't know if that unsettled me or not.

My mind and eyes kept wandering back to her no matter how hard I tried to stop myself. I noticed she tapped away at her phone a lot. More so than she usually did.

It was when I found myself thinking of approaching her that I knew I had to get out. I couldn’t let myself be weak like that so excusing myself from the table, I hastily made my way outside.

I emerged through a back door into the alleyway where I'd parked my car. I gulped in the fresh air, willing it to clear my head. I refused to go back to her. If she could keep things from me once, it meant she could do it again and I wasn't prepared to be okay with that. I didn't want to be pathetic again and I think Saffron was the reason of that. Not because she lied, but because she wasn't pathetic herself. Sub-consciously Saffron had changed me. I just felt stronger, like I deserved to be treated better.