House MD Fanfiction

To Live with Fear

Hilson, cancer!, smut, 2,652 words
By: lary

They had sat in silence for nearly forty minutes.

Nolan had no way of knowing that this wasn't just another case of House being a stubborn jerk. Apparently the therapist could see something was wrong, though, because he wasn't pushing it. He just looked at House, who was staring at the carpet like it was his latest puzzle.

Fuck. House was angry, but he could barely hold onto the emotion. Nolan would throw some psychocrap at him, about how anger was just the surface emotion.

Well, fuck him.

But the rage was evasive, simmering and swirling out of his reach, leaving just the fear. House took a deep breath, and stopped his hands from trembling. He felt his eyes stinging.

House had always been bad with losing people, he didn't handle it well. When Stacy had left him, he'd been devastated, and then taken his revenge when she had come back to the hospital with her husband. Cuddy was the last person he'd let too close, and that had led House to make the worst mistakes of his life. He couldn't lose anybody, anymore.

He couldn't lose Wilson.

Fuck. House wouldn't cry. He didn't cry.

But this was different. What the fuck does it matter anyway. He finally looked at Nolan, and the man took it as a cue to utter the world's stupidest words.

“You need to just say it, whatever it is.”

House's eyes found the same spot of the carpet. He couldn't say it, that would make it real. The anger was fading, and cold claws clutched House's heart, stopping his breath, forcing tears from his eyes.

“Fuck!” House exclaimed, like expressing it would help him hold onto the anger. Nolan didn't flinch. House stopped his hands from trembling again by grabbing his cane harder. He tried to breath, and then tried to stop the trembling again only to realise that it wasn't just his hands shaking this time, but his whole body.

He forced the words from his mouth, his voice too dry, too emotionless. “Wilson's got cancer.” He felt the strength leak out of his muscles with them and he sank into the chair.

“I'm sorry.” Nolan's level voice didn't quite hide his distress at his client's unusual emotional state. House stared at the carpet.

“How do you feel?” the therapist asked after what could've been a minute or ten. Again with the stupid questions.

“How the fuck do you think I feel?” House growled, but without his usual menace. He gritted his teeth and then looked up at the other man. “Afraid,” he muttered. There was no explaining it. It was just an overwhelming fear.

The silence spread between them again.

House was familiar with pain. An old acquaintance. Fear, they had had encounters before, but only now were they becoming truly intimate.

In a way, it seemed that pain and fear were similar. With pain, there was a gateway mechanism most severe hurt swiped away all the others, overwhelming them until it was the sole focus. So it seemed to be with fear, too. His fear of losing Wilson wiped away all others. The things that he used to consider frightening just fell away, they simply didn't matter.

That is why it was surprisingly easy for House to make the next admission. Still, it came out quietly. “I think I love him.”

They sat in silence, until the time was almost up.

“What now?” Nolan asked.

“What is there?” House asked in turn.