House MD Fanfiction

The Green Tie of Amazing Sex

Hilson, realizations, 3,646 words
By: Readingrat

"I need your tie." House planted himself in front of Wilson's desk, bouncing his cane to give additional emphasis to his demand.

Wilson, pen poised above a file, looked up without any visible sign of surprise or irritation. Then, as if this was the most normal request in the world, he put down his pen and tugged at the knot around his collar.

"Not that one," House said quickly. "That one's — bland. Insipid. Asexual."

Wilson peered down at the offending object, a blue-and-white striped nonentity. "I think it's nice. Neutral, confidence-inspiring, and flattering, without drawing undue attention to itself."

"Exactly! It's boring." House twisted one of the chairs in front of the desk around so he could straddle it.

"And you want, which tie exactly?"

"The Green Tie of Awesome Sex. The Emerald Knot of Successful Seduction. The Verdant Neck Cloth of Getting Laid."

Wilson finally looked surprised. "Wait," he said, raising both hands in a calming, delaying gesture. "You hate that tie."

"I don't hate it; your ex-wife did — and still does, for all I know. The color, not the tie." House rather liked the tie, or rather, Wilson wearing the tie, but he wasn't about to tell Wilson that.

"And you need the tie because?"

House expelled an exasperated breath. "Because I want to get laid, of course. I'm taking Cuddy to the theater."

To his credit Wilson didn't even blink. Instead, he picked up his pen again. "Does Cuddy know of her misfortune, or is this scheme in its infancy and yet to reach maturity?"

"Oh, Cuddy knows," House gloated. "Hey, she was practically all over me with delight when I asked her." That wasn't true in the strictest sense — she'd been more like, 'You're kidding, House!' — but by Cuddy's standards that was a benevolent reaction. And after a little haggling over clinic hours she'd given in with grace.

"Then why do you need the tie if she's as good as prostrate already?"

"First impression, like a bird of paradise. The male attracts potential mates with his display. Then, if the female likes what he has to offer . . ."

"What if she doesn't?" Wilson asked.

House leered. "Trust me, she will." He leaned forward, waggling his fingers demandingly. "Gimme!"

Sighing, Wilson opened the bottom drawer of his desk and extracted the tie, neatly rolled up. Grabbing it, House shook it out to its full length and dangled it in front of his chest like a trophy.

"This," he proclaimed, "will signal my willingness to mate and will trigger sexual hormones in her that will render me irresistible."

"Funny," Wilson said. "I'd always believed that this tie signaled comradeship and willingness to communicate."

"What is sex, if not intimate communication?" House intoned. "This tie, the Prelude to Panty Peeling, will usher in the best sex of my life."

"Actually," Wilson said, "it has never been the prelude to anything of the sort. It's the tie I wear to casual meetings: coffee with a new staff member, dinner with pharma reps, . . ."

This was so blatantly untrue that House didn't even have to pretend incredulity.

"And maybe to first dates," Wilson admitted. "But when casual meetings are followed by less casual ones, I wear other ties. This tie is . . . the Jade Tie of Innocent Intentions."