Dear Love

Dear Mom

I miss you, Mom...

Every day I think about you, and wish you were here. Every single day I try my best to be the best person I can be - I know I've made some mistakes along the way but those are forgivable right? It would be a lot easier to find my way I think with you here, but even without you I'm managing to get by. 

Since I can't visit your gravestone, I figured I'd write a letter to myself, and include you in it. That way you can see what it is I'm thinking, I can see my thoughts on paper, and it'll almost be like I'm talking to you, sitting in your lap telling you all about the things I love or am sad about. Just like old times. 

Anyway. 

Things have become really bad, really unfair. This journey is turning into something I never thought it would. On top of Beacon falling, forcing us to retreat back home, Grimm attacking the world and some mysterious evil force out there trying to destroy that world, Uncle Qrow has become injured and poisoned and we don't know how long he has left. Yang has lost an arm, one of the arms she needs to fight and I'm convinced she's fallen into so much depression that... well I don't want to think about Yang never fighting again. Blake has run away, and no one knows where she is, I can only hope she's found herself some place to stay and is taking care of herself. 

And then there's Weiss... how do I feel about Weiss? I know she's at home, and despite being subjected to her jerk face Father I know she's safe. She did say she was coming to Mistral, and that's good I guess - but I can't be there with her along the way. What if the ship she's stowing away on gets attacked and she gets... 

... or what if she's walking and some bandits decide to rob her and take everything from her, even her weapon? 

...or what if she doesn't make it to Mistral because her Dad finds out and brings her back to Atlas? 

A lot of bad things are happening, and what's worse is that it can only get worse from there. I know it's the past, but I think we're all pretty heartbroken still about Pyrrha's passing. Of Penny's passing. Two great friends just... gone like that. And after all, aren't we just kids thrust into this whole mess? I wanted to leave on my own to find answers, and thankfully I have some friends that would help me despite the danger but - aren't we just kids? Why is the world being so unfair to us? Why is it putting so much pressure on us to find the truth, seek it out and save the world? Isn't that supposed to happen when you're an adult? More importantly - 

Why is it forcing us to grow up so quickly? 

I know that war and bleak situations like this force some to do that, to let go of their childhood and their joy so that they can survive - but, why can't we have some fun and joy and enjoy our childhood while we still have a chance? I am only 16 years old and I have no intention of growing up without at least having some time to be a kid yet. I have probably killed more Grimm than some professional Huntsman at this point. I have probably seen many more people die than I was supposed to before the age of 21. And... I have fallen into this pit of worry that you're only supposed to have, you told me, when you were a mother, Mom. 

But I... that's not the reason I'm writing this letter today. It's not to complain about the status of the world and ask hard questions no one knows the answer to or can only answer by saying 'well life isn't fair, get over it'. The reason I am writing this letter is something you may already know. 

What kind of Ruby do I want to be? Is it still possible to save everyone and everything all at the same time? Is it really possible to be the noble hero in the story that can carry the weight of the world on her shoulders and then some? I'm beginning to believe those fairytales are just fairytales and there is no room in the real world for those stories I used to love so much. I thought I could really change the world - I thought I could really be like those heroes in the books you used to read to me Mom, but... I don't think I can anymore. 

Cinder took away one of my closest friends - the invincible girl - just goes to show you she's really not invincible was she? She was just a girl... no one is invincible. And while I am sad and missing Pyrrha amidst everything else, I would be lying if I said the thought, the feeling didn't cross my mind to directly go after Cinder. I was told I did a number on her when I came to after all the fighting was over, but I still don't know what I did and no one will tell me. I want to see her again, I want to fight her again. I want to send her to see Pyrrha so that this time Pyrrha can win and get her retribution - but I realize sometimes that those feelings make me no better than Cinder herself, and I can't allow myself to become consumed with darkness even if it would be the easiest thing right now to do. 

Mom... Weiss told me something recently (changing the subject so I don't start crying on this paper and make it all wet), that confused me, but made me sort of happy? I don't know, she told me I was a mirror that she could look into, the right one, reflecting back unto her the missing value her life needs, that she's always wanted or something like that. I wish she would stop talking in such intelligent riddles and just tell me what that is already. But she said she would tell me when we see each other again, and I guess that's fair enough. I have a lot to tell her too, but Mom, do you have any idea what she may mean by that? 

She told me that I have grown a bit and become different, I have grown up. And yet simultaneously I haven't changed - another riddle that I don't know what it's supposed to mean. But I do know one thing - she makes me smile whenever I don't want to. She makes me laugh even when she's dead serious. And she makes me happy, even when I'm annoyed by her. She drives me crazy, oh goodness does she do that, but she also keeps me sane too. Is there a feeling for that? Are there words to describe that feeling? Because she's already my bestest friend in all of Vale, so I can't use that. 

I love Yang and Blake the same amount too - it's just a slightly different feeling with Weiss. One that I really can't put my finger on. I can't identify it, I can't see it with all this darkness, so I'm hoping we'll see each other soon so that her bright white, annoying light can cast away the darkness and show me what this missing value is already. Or maybe it won't do that... but... she makes me feel an indescribable way and in retrospect I think she always has. Since day one, Mom, this feeling has stayed with me, and only now I think the feeling is mutual. 

So, I have a lot of things to sort out obviously and I can't talk to Jaune about them, I mean he probably won't get it. And even if he does, wouldn't that be kinda rude to talk about Weiss in front of him? I think he's still sour about all those rejected dates. 

Still... 

I guess I'll meet my fate and get my answers in Mistral. I'll find Weiss there and medical attention and the headmaster of Haven Academy, and maybe some more friends that I haven't seen since, the Vytal Festival. 

Maybe I'll write more Mom, although I know this is just me talking to myself. Maybe I'll need to do this thing more often so that I don't lose my mind. And maybe this is a good way to get all of my latent feelings and frustrations out without shouting or screaming or rushing into things that could obviously end very badly for me. 

I'll look out for those answers, and for Uncle Qrow and all my friends. And though I'm still hoping with one last little ember to save the world and everyone in it, I know that that little light is dimming and I may as well just give up that silly idea - Ruby, you have to know you can't save everyone, just like you're not meant to please everyone and move on with life. 

After all, that's what you tried to do and it got you killed. I miss you so much Mom. But maybe it's better you're not here - I don't know what this world will do to you, and if it it's anything like what it has done to me - I would want to spare you the pain... in any way possible. 

I promise I'll come visit soon. As soon as I can anyway. 

Love, your daughter, 

Ruby. 

P.S - I'm leaving a rose I found that was wilting at the base of this tree. It's in loving memory of you, before I leave this place - maybe you'll see it and see the places I've been. And maybe we can talk more about it when I come to visit you. I'll bring the tea like always. See you Mom.