No Turning Back

Our Parents Are Going To Kill Us

I thought that I would be relieved when I finally felt something other than the emptiness. I thought that I would feel better about myself. I thought that I would feel more normal and less like a robot. I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. But then again, I was hoping to replace the emptiness with a more joyful emotion like happiness or excitement or lust even. Anything except for the pain that I feel now. I mean, sure I've been burned emotionally before in the past but it's never hurt as much as it does now. Hell, I don't think I've ever felt as horrible as I do now. I've never felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest or if I was barely even existing - or even existing at all.

I didn't even think for a moment that I would feel this way over Jayden of all people. I mean, we were never actually together. We never had any type of romantic rendezvouses or dates or mutual exchanges of feelings or any of that other mushy gushy shit. We were barely even friends! That was why I was so confused as to how he somehow cooked up into his mind that he liked me. Hell, I was wondering how my own emotions came up with the great idea that I might somehow like him back. Damn hormones just going around making something out of nothing. I mean, we literally just started to get close. How could something that happened so fast become something so serious in such a short amount of time? How could I even possibly like him in the first place? What made my emotions so drawn to him in the first place when he was so irritating at times? Why did I have to long for him so bad?

Because he makes you feel normal, my mind said softly. I felt myself mentally open my mouth in an attempt to argue against it but there was no going around that conclusion. Around him, I did feel as if I were normal. Around him, I didn't feel any pressure or any suffocation or any emptiness. Even before he kissed me, he made me feel as if I was a real person and I had real fun with him. I think that I made him feel the same way. I had noticed as we became friends that he was starting to become more comfortable around me. Maybe he thought that he could really be himself around me - really, really, himself. I mean, I wouldn't have judged him if he had told me without all of the kissing and what not. I wouldn't have even seen him differently. He would have still been the same Jayden that he's always been. He would have still been the same emerald eyed, hard faced, pain in the ass that he's always been. Even now he's still the same except for the fact that he likes me and...I like him back.

I knew that I had feelings for Jayden and I was only admitting it because my head was starting to hurt from me denying it so hard. But I also knew that we could never be together...not in the way that Jayden wanted us to be. I couldn't have my father being any more disappointed in my than he already was.

Apparently, he had found out about the agreement I'd made with my mom about Stanford. I wasn't sure how he found out and I really didn't think I cared. Especially since he called me into his office to talk after I got home from my talk with Jayden. My mind was anywhere but college at that time. When he called me, I felt myself groan mentally. I wasn't in the mood to look at him and be reminded of what I couldn't be because of him. Hell, I wasn't really in the mood to be around him at all. I didn't want to talk about college or my future or any of that. I just wanted to crawl up in my bed and mope and drown myself in misery and confusion. I wanted to figure out what I was going to do to make everything go back to normal.

I had wandered into his office anyway to talk to him. He was sitting at his desk, tapping his pencil against his chin in thought. I'm sure that I was giving him the death glare since I was already upset and he wasn't exactly helping. I didn't care to see his blank face stare at me with his judging eyes and disapproving frown. I felt my emotions bubble beneath my skin as I thought back to what Jayden said the night before. He had told me that I was only denying my sexuality because of my father. While I was still questioning the fact of if I even was gay or if my body was just longing for an experiment, I did think that he had a point. I didn't do a lot of things because I was afraid of what my father might think. That was the whole point as to why I hid those stupid acceptance letters in the first place. That was the whole point as to why I was the way I was – always conflicted and confused and suffocated by everything. All because I wanted to be a perfect son and please him. I didn't even know if he knew how much I tried just to win his praises. He probably didn't. He probably thought I did everything I did for my own benefit. He probably didn't think twice about the real reason why nor about how much his opinion meant to me. I felt my anger bubble as my thoughts as his ignorance filled my head. While the good part of me wanted to make him happy and just do what I was told – do what I was expected of just as I'd done for all these years, another part of me felt a sort of resentment. No maybe more than resentment. I was pissed. Utterly pissed. The part of me that had had enough of his bullshit wanted to yell and scream and blame my unhappiness all on him. I think I only didn't do that because the last part wasn't entirely true. I had my part to play in my own actions and I would own up to them.